I wasn't really gonna write a field report about this night since Tov and Svelte wrote such good recounts on the lair and masf, but what the hell.  It was a crazy night.  For me I really don't like to write about stuff unless it's really educational or amazing.  I realized that I still haven't written about the time I almost went to jail for 25 years in Tunisia for fornication.  I am really writing a short story about that.  So I'll see what comes of it.

Anyways, I get a call from JohnnyC69 that Tov and Svelte drove up from Cookeville, picked him up and are on the way to my place.  Then he asks where I live.  It's astounding that a guy can come over like 5 times and still not know.  But I get lost a lot too.  It's why I always rely on the GPS in my blackberry.  So I tell him the way and tell Inbred to get dressed.

The guys scoop us and we head to my favorite local honkey tonk.  It's pretty empty so we are just sitting outside chatting.  Just a quiet Friday with no cute girls.  Since I don't have to drive I decide to throw down a few cocktails.  I'll admit it – I like to drink.  I'm not sure what happened but suddenly I was drunk as shit.  I only found out later that my drinks were like 80% vodka.  So I was 4x drunker than I expected.  Well in these types of situations we just gotta adapt.

I realize 2 things are once – we are standing in what I call a lair circle and I really need to pee.  Now if you have ever been out with a group of more than 3 pickup artists or visited a small town lair you will be able to quickly recognize a lair circle.  All the guys stand in a circle talking about girls and never opening.  There is something like a vortex about them.  I have seen 'em in London and Cambridge.  Virgo told me he saw one in LA.  So I know they happen everywhere.  I need to break out of this so I tell Inbred it's time to stroll.  I go into the toilet and that son of a bitch is in a goddam 1set.  How does that help me warm up??  I head back to the boys because I still have that antsy feeling.

It's like when you are doing double skip jump rope and you just wait for that right moment to jump in.  If you time it wrong the ropes will hit you.  You know when to jump, but if you get nervous your timing will be off and then it all ends in tears and skinned knees.  I have never actually done jump rope with 2 ropes, but this is just what I imagine it feels like.  And this is my story so I get to use whatever damned metaphors I want to.

So I go back to the guys and Tov and Svelte are dripping with AA.  They are from a small town and I get that.  Plus I guess they are actually JohnnyC69 fans.  Which is kinda cool for him.  I mean they are nice guys.  Just young.  As most guys know, there is nothing more contagious amongst animals than fear.  And AA is just another form of fear.  So now I'm catching it and I know that if you leave it just lying there, something will break.

So I head back and find Inbred and he asks me to wing him.  Turns out his girl has a friend.  I'm really not sure why he is talking to a 6, but I get to enjoy the company of her friend.  A rock solid 4.  Good news though.  She is one of the ugly girls who also has a shitty personality.  I walk up and ask her why she's texting so much.  Turns out she's updating her facebook status.  Awesome.  I just keep grinding and it's not hitting.  I will tell you something that is no secret to any of my friends.  I SUCK with ugly chicks.  They just hate me.  I can't close a 4 to save my life.  I'm not complaining really.  It's like the fact that I can't get strep throat.  I'm simply immune to that disease. 

I could make out with girls who have strep throat all night long and nothing will happen to me.  Now if she blows me…I just don't know if a man can get strep cock, so why find out?

So this girl is just boring as hell.  She keeps doing facebook shit.  Eventually she tells me that my beard is ugly.  Now I know for a face that I have a bad ass George Micheal 1988 beard.  I have experimented with dozens of looks and haircuts to maximize my sexy factor.  I mean she could call me fat.  I'm a little bit chubby so ok.  But she hates my beard?  Lying to a man is just plain rude.  By this point Inbred's girl has walked off so I finally eject too.  I can only do so much winging.

He then tells me that it counts as him opening two sets.  I was like what?  If you fuck the same girl twice does that mean you have fucked 2 girls?  I hate his math skills.  I mean lack of math skills.  I'm still a little pissed about the 10 in the car that he snatched from me.

Anyways, my AA is rolling back in.  It really just never goes away.  Every day is a new damn day.  So I'm like Inbred, let's roll.  Fuck this noise it's time to make some waves.

So I see 13 girls sitting on a bench and I just open all those bitches.  He rolls over to the other end of the bench.  My girl is ok, but we are just too close to the band so she can only hear some of what I'm saying.  Then we start watching Inbred.  I don't know what that fucker is saying and he still hasn't told me, but goddamit.  I watch each girl he's talking to get up and he slides on seat closer to me and the girl I'm talking to.  I'm trying to get through the girl next to me to her friend who is actually really pretty. 

And Inbred is rolling at me with the power of the inevitable.  I swear to God.  He actually got all the girls to get up including the one next to me.  She even pinkie swore that we would talk again.  Obviously we never did.  To be fair I forgot which one she was, because something strange happened next.

The bar is only 40% full which always makes me nervous when I'm out but almost every girl there is a Nashville 8 or better.  I gotta say Nashville 8 because I have been to Sweden.

From here on in, the story is going to be out of order.  I was drunk as shit and I always lose my internal clock when I'm drunk.  I remember a lot of the night but I can never remember the order things happen in.  Tov was like having an AAgasm, so I grabbed him and threw him into a booth as hard as I could.  I could swear I heard bone crack into wood, but sometimes you just gotta beat the fear out of someone.  According to his field report that set went really well for him.  So just goes to show, a firm hand works.

I end up meeting some big dude from Wisconsin or one of those other states that people never really talk about and they never have movies that take place there.  It's like one of those states that writers write about to show people how smart they are.  It reminds me of books like Catcher in the Rye or something.  I know that's in New York but I just wanted to mention how much I hate that book.  Complaining teenage angst.  Or maybe Wisconsin is where all those "coming of age" plays take place.  All I know is I have never been there and I doubt I could find it on a map.  And I'm pretty sure my oneitis went to college there.

OK.  So I am talking to this jacked dude and I swear he starts talking about how all these guys in the bar are roided out.  I was like dude you are pretty jacked.  But I can see his point.  Then we start to make fun of fat girls.  Those bitches ALWAYS drink diet coke.  I don't think they understand that diet means something different when you put it in front of a word.  It's much better AFTER a word.  I will explain.  DIET PEPSI – Less fattening pepsi.  SOUTH BEACH DIET – a method to make your fatass shrink (or give you a heart attack.)

So we start joking about this and 2 girls roll out.  I dive at their table and start chatting to mine.  Her voice was so deep me and this dude jump.  I was like holy crap this girl is channelling Barry White.  So we chat a few minutes and his girl has a husband or boyfriend who comes out and it's like we are trying to eject as fast as possible.  Also I think mine had a bad personality.  Or I might have just thought that because her voice was so deep.

Then at some point I was talking to this girl by the bar for like 40 minutes.  Oh shit.  I remember now.  I walk up to this really cute girl and the guy next to her and ask if he's her boyfriend.  She says he's her brother and I said that still doesn't answer my question. 

So I chat to her and he slips off.  She has this orbiter friend guy that keeps popping around.  Lately I have been talking about how all orbiters are bitches and I have been tanking them like crazy.  Just because they try and step to my game.  Man I made this dude cry last week, but anyways.  I keep chatting to her and I get her number.  And I am like baby what's your name again?  She tells me and I start laughing.  I thought she was making it up.  I was like that's not a real name.

Whoops.  Turns out it wasn't a fake name, but it might have been a fake number.  I'll never call after that.  And dudes I don't know how this happened but her orbiter just walks up and starts making out with her.  And all I can do is think man that guys shirt is really cool.  Usually orbiters dress like dicks, so I respect any dude with good fashion in this one horse town.  I almost ask him where it's from but his tongue is busy. 

I'm not even upset because 3 minutes later I'm in another set.  I am totally forgetting like 7 sets or something so you'll have to ask the other guys or read their field reports.  I 5 pictures from the night so those help me a lot with figuring things out.  This dude looked exactly like Freddie Prinze jr.  and since that dude is on 24 this year he is all in my mind.  I love that show.  Can't help it.  So much over the top drama.

Ok so I decide I like this dude.  I do some of my jazz and I kiss this girl then he kisses her.  Now his two "wings" show up.  These guys are total idiots.  They are trying to tank me but they don't realize that I've decided to help Freddie out.  I mean the dude is fighting terrorists on tv every damn monday night.  It's the least I could do.  They keep saying shit that is weirding this girl out.  I pull them aside and I'm like guys I know you think your'e cool but you're destroying your friend.  If you wanna keep him from getting laid keep talking.

According to Tov I did a spin move and then those dudes were gone.  I will ask him tomorrow to show me what I did.  But then I chat with Freddie and his girl some more….and then blackness.  HAha.  I know.  I wonder if he closed the set too.  Oh well.  Thanks vodka brain!

Next set.  There are these 2 blonds.  They were so hot that I chickened out on opening them twice earlier.  But it's time.  They sit down and I jedi open that shit.  Within one minute this girl that's so hot is fucking with my tie.  I am wearing this cool purple shirt I got from Express with a skinny white tie.  The bitch makes it into a big Donald Duck bow.  All the other guys are impressed by all this "kino."  But the main thing going through my mind is how did I lose control of this train?

Of course I have this other issue.  I really respect when a girl is ACTUALLY funny.  I mean it's pretty rare.  Especially for a really hot girl.  But I thought that was really funny.  So I left it in for like 5 whole minutes.  I have 2 pictures of me with these girls and that tie.  It's so funny.  Anyways they go to get more drinks or to use the bathroom or dance.  Those are the 3 things girls do.

Last thing I remember is that I am talking to some girl and Tov is right next to me sitting down.  He says she's a really hot blond.  So I believe him.  The guy was stone cold sober.  So I talk to this girl like 5 minutes and I shout GROUP HUG.  And he starts to stand up and I'm like don't move fucker.

And then I just shoved the girls face at his face.  Their faces are like 1 milimeter apart.  That's less than an inch for you guys that prefer inches.  And like the damn kid doesn't pull the trigger. 

I read his field report and the kid feels a shitload of shame.  So I'm not gonna torture him on here.

Analysis of the Night

I have pictures of me with 5 smoking hot girls.  Good for the old facebook profile.

I kissed 2 girls ( I'm pretty sure)

I got 1 number (then told the girl her name was shitty)

Overall I had fun but for real I mean to focus and get my dick wet.  Maybe next time I will be less like Tucker Max…but probably not.

So I hit the Comedy Store in London last Friday.  I will tell you up front that the situation almost got Tucker Max and I had to make a decision, but let’s start this story at the beginning.

I was planning on hitting a rave with my man Iceberg and hopefully my boy YumYum, when I get a phone call from my house mate.  He is wasted and wants some company out there.  I already have dinner plans in less than an hour with 3 of my mates right next to my house.  My house mate asks me to try and be drunk by the time he gets home.  I have 20 minutes.

Challenge accepted.

I crack open the home made schnapps that my Austrian ladies brought me as a gift last month and get to it.  I throw a double shot into a coffee glass from Tunisia.  It is like being kicked in the throat and then the chest by a mule.  I am sweating within about 1 minute, so I chase it with another shot.  Holy crap this shit could raise the dead in an avalanche.  I can see it serving no other purpose, expect possible degreasing airplane engines.  My house mate, Ghost, shows up and he’s hammered.  He is impressed that I’m already on the same page.

We grab two bottles of wine and hit the curry joint next door.  I can’t remember much of dinner, I just focused on maintaining my buzz.  It was cool I’m sure.

Then we head out to the Comedy Store where some chick from Ghost’s office is hitting the stage.  This other chick from his office offered to buy me a ticket as long as I promised to pay her back.  I think we both know that never happened.  Hehe.  So another buddy comes with us from dinner and the two of us are necking shots of sambuca.  I wish I could say Ghost was keeping up with us, but for some reason around me he drinks like such a pussy.  Sigh.

So me and my other buddy are pushing the envelope and getting hammered.  He planned on just hitting a few bars with us on the way to the comedy club and then meeting us after.  I mean a comedy club on a Friday night?  Normally I wouldn’t do such a thing, but it is on my list for the year and Ghost was going and so was his secret girlfriend.  So I had a good chance to torture her too.

Right in the door I meet the lady who is doing her comedy show.  Now I didn’t realize I would have to sit through four other assholes before it would be her turn.  That kinda sucks.  I just wanted to be in there for thirty minutes.  The place looks like a fucking ghost town and as soon as the MC guy starts I can tell why.  I mean holy crap maybe I should be a comic.  They will let anything onto that damn stage.  But I digress…

I sit in between the girl who bought my ticket and my house mates girlfriend.  Now nobody from the office knows they are together and they are both terrified that my drunken ass will drop their secret.  And a huge part of me wants to, but I’m waiting for the right moment.  I pretend to be hitting on this girl hard as hell and I just torture the shit out of her.  I tell other people from the offic that I’ve banged her.  I figure this is the perfect cover for her.  Hey what can I say, I’m a humanitarian.

She is in hell and I’m loving it.  Ghost disappears for like an hour and later I go sit with him and my other mate for a bit.  But not before secretly feeling up the other girl from the office.  Her “boyfriend” is on the far side of her and clutching her knee, terrified of me.  So I go German submarine style under my thigh and under hers, and boom.  Like the Red October I get some snatch time.  I am not that into this chick, but she has a tongue ring, she works with Ghost AND she has her boyfriend right there.  If you know me, you know that I love forbidden fruit.  So I grab a fistful.

The shitty comedy drags on longer than a root canal and at some point the loser mc is up there bitching about his dog.  I wanted to rip off his head and shit down his neck.  No one likes dog jokes.  No one.  I don’t care how cute you think your dog looks running around the park or what you imagine he’s thinking.  Some other dude starts heckling, but he is so wasted his words dont make sense.  Security come and threaten him.  Everyone with me wants to heckle the dude and I’m like it’s boring.  I don’t heckle people.  The guy is a serious loser, but I just don’t have the heart.  So we are chatting and ignoring this guys atrocious humor when a gorrilla grabs my shoulder and tells me to be quiet.

I have a moment of reflection and realize I have two choices.  I can let it slide or I can go Tucker Max and get thrown out of a shithole comedy club.  Unfortunately, I decide not to get Ghost into more trouble and I relax.  I mean what kinda shit club bans talking?  It kinda makes sense, since they don’t have good enough comedians to keep me laughing.

Anyways, I will probably never go to that hole again.  There were a few cute girls there on dates.  One couple was even on their first date.  But I feel that if you are on a date at a comedy club at midnight on a Friday in London, you are probably one serious loser.  I mean there were more empty seats than filled and they didn’t even have shot glasses!