I Still Bleed

So I just came home nearly crying and had the girl I went out with screaming and crying into her phone at me.  It’s nice to know that things can still explode all over my face.  Even at my level, life can end in tragedy.  As soon as I start having feelings for a girl everything changes.  Sigh…

All I want is to retire.  I can’t stop talking about it lately.  I’m finally so close to doing well with nice girls that I just want to get a really cool girlfriend and step off the dance floor for a while.  Unfortunately, every time I open up a little to a girl or become emotionally vulnerable, I just get burned.  It hurts.  I can’t get past that.  I’m still human with a little heart beating inside of my chest.

So I broke a ton of my rules.  And now I’m tasting the consequences.  I went on a date tonight with a girl from my class at school.  I’m so stupid.  I just couldn’t help it.  I liked her.  We have hung out after class a few times and tonight we went to Salsa.  I really didn’t want to go tonight, I was so tired from my kickboxing class with Ghost last nite.  You don’t even know.  I thought my thighs were going to bleed.

After class she comes back to mine, so I can let in my couchsurfers and change etc.  We chill and watch some family guy and american dad.  I told her I was into her a few weeks ago and she knows that I teach and study game.  Of course this makes life so much harder, as she thinks everything I say or do is a tactic.  But really, I just want to get away from all that lately.  So I have just been being myself, while always making my intentions clear.  When it’s time to go out, she really drags me even though I’m wicked tired.  I promised so I gotta go.

We get to the club and grab a couple of beers before the lesson.  I am in the beginners group and suddenly she drops that she had a private dance teacher in Bolivia that she dated and she’s amazing.  So I’m like great.  I’m really stressed as normally I’m a really good dancer, but tonight I’m outside of my comfort zone.  She can see how stressed I am and I am sweating up a storm.  We are kissing a little bit here and there and she keeps saying that it’s not a date and she doesn’t have any feelings for me.

At the end of the lesson she asks if she can dance with other dudes.  Normally, I wouldn’t care but I was really looking forward to a night of no sets.  I have some emotions for this girl.  I am such an idiot.  I’m like if you wanna dance with other dudes I’ll head home, but thanks for doing the lesson with me.  Then she grabs me and is like it doesn’t mean that.  Dancing with guys doesn’t mean anything to me.  I was like babe I don’t wanna stand by the sidelines watching you dance with some dude.  That’s just not how I roll on a date.  So she says never mind etc.  I just don’t wanna deal with that kind of shenanigans tonight.

We have two more beers and get back to dancing.  It’s really cool and smooth.  She keeps verbally de-escalating while physically escalating.  Fine with me.  I know that tactic.  Suddenly, I need to blow my nose big time.  I’m like I’ll be right back can you behave for one minute?  She says she can’t promise she’ll be there when I get back, but in a jokey way.  So I say if you wanna dance with other dudes I’ll leave.  I just don’t put up with bad behavior.  I’m not gonna chill with a girl who grabs a dude every time I blink.

I run to the bar.  This is how whipped I have become.  I’m shoving through all these huge muscle dudes and ignoring them.  I am back in under a minute.  She is in the arms of some big latin or black dude.  I look for like 3 seconds and I just walk out the door.  I am not in the mood for playing games.  I spend my life studying and teaching games.  I’m not putting up with it from her.  She was supposed to come over Saturday for Ghost’s birthday party.  So I text her and tell her not to come.

I just don’t want her in my life on that level anymore.  I am home now.  In bed.  Alone.  The truth is I could have worked my ass off.  Grabbed a really hot girl and run a jealousy plotline.  But I have too many scars on my heart.  My oneitis fucked so many dudes behind my back.  I just can’t deal with that.  She used to pre-frame it by saying she was friends with a lot of guys, so I would never need to get jealous.  I used to drive her to hang out with one of the dudes.  She swore they were just friends.  So I’m of course still sensitive to that kind of thing.  This girl just stabbed me in an old wound.

I’m not hurt in the way I used to be.  But I still just can’t deal with that.  I reacted in an emotional way instead of a tactical way.  But that’s all I have sometimes.  I can’t be totally cold and tactical all the time.  So I was a little vulnerable with this girl.  Some would say I got what I deserve.  I yell at so many noobs on the forums for wanting to game girls at work.  And here I am with a girl I spend eight hours a week with.

On the tube I get a text from her calling me a shit for leaving her and telling me that she’s lost.  She calls right then and I answer and she is just yelling and crying.  She is freaked out.  I am not really sure why.  The club is between two huge tube stations.  Either way she turns she is fine.  And really it’s not my problem anymore.  The moment I saw her with that dude, my tactical brain got back in control and cut my emotional threads.  I know I need to stay away from girls like this.

I always get into these weird parodies of my oneitis relationship.  I need to stay away from this stuff.  I tried to call my boys when I walked outa the club, but no one was around.  Mystel was across the city and Virgo didn’t answer.  He’s been ignoring his phone all week.  Sigh.  I should probably call Soul.  But really I don’t wanna deal with anything.  I feel kinda bad, but more because I gotta see her in school next week.

Learn a lesson from me.  I learned it the hard way.  Don’t shit where you eat.  And I’m here actually hoping that she calls me non-hysterically.  God I’m still so lame.   I can’t wait to get to LA.