Two weeks my mom was in the hospital for what we thought was a stroke.  She was really far away visiting one of my sisters, so I was feeling kinda down.  I called the two giants to come console me over a few cocktails that night.

I just kinda didn’t want to think about things.

So I drink alone for an hour or two until they get off work and they show up, but man they just wanted to talk about themselves.  The truth is I probably wouldn’t have called them at all except I just needed someone to drink with on a Monday and most people I know are trying to lead responsible lives right now.  Not that that’s my thing at all!

So we have some drinks etc and I end up back at theirs.  Both separately inform me at this point that I’m sleeping on the couch.  I’ve slept in both of their beds multiple times and I actually wasn’t really pushing to bang.  I mean I was genuinely upset.  The thing is I’m not the kind of man who sleeps on a girls couch anymore.  That guy just doesn’t exist here.

So I called a cab and I rolled out of there.  They straight up pushed against one of my boundaries and I will not have a girl in my life who thinks I’m couchworthy.  You must be joking.

Recently I had a similar issue with boundaries with someone over a work issue.  I had to be extremely firm and explain what my boundaries are and that I will not cross them or allow them to be broken, even for financial gain.

If you constantly let people move your barriers, whether they strorm through like a German blitzkrieg or instead use a battle of inches like on my Date with an Author, you will end up with exactly no territory.  People have a natural inclination to treat you like crap if you allow them to.  The moment someone stops respecting you, you have lost everything.

So start taking yourself and your boundaries seriously.  Decide what you will and will not accept in your life, at work and with your friends.  You will see major differences.

The Story of my Oneitis

I fell in love with a stunning girl when I was living in Japan.  We were best friends and spent 6 days a week together.  She had a long distance relationship with a guy who I can only describe as one of he great losers of our generation.  He was an “actor” who had a single line in a video game that tanked.  He once told her that he would be happy if he was homeless but he only worked because he knew how greedy she was.

I was so weak that I couldn’t compete with this guy.  Imagine that.

We hung out all the time and I did EVERYTHING for her.  I paid for everything.  Took her out all the time.  Cooked all the time.

After six months we finally smashed on Valentine’s day.  It was cool.  Of course she made me promise to keep it a secret.  So everyone around us continued to think of me as a loser who was in love with his best friend and getting nowhere.  But in reality I was a loser who was in love with his best friend who was getting laid about once a month.  I had a bad case of oneitis.  There is no other way to say it.

I have so many vidoes and pictures of us hanging out all the time.  Over 5,000 pictures.  That’s right.  So believe me I know what it’s like to be at the other end of the spectrum.  In one of my videos I straight up ask my oneitis if she is banging a certain dude.  She tells me no.  I have it on tape.  How intense is that.  Wait and see!

One day she tells me she is starting to have feelings for this dude.  I totally freak out because I am so emotionally invested in her.  I am like you guys hang out sometimes, is there more going on?  Again she says no.  He lives so far away sometimes I drive her to chill at his for an afternoon.  Since she just has some feelings I guess it’s no big deal.  I mean I threw a tantrum like a baby.  I can’t lie to you.  I was such a bitch.  I think I threw her out of my apartment.

A few days later I call her and her phone picks up.  I hear a familiar sound.  I can’t hang up.  For 11 minutes I listen to her smash this other dude.

Turns out that she had been smashing him for a while.  Even now I’m 100% sure I don’t know the real truth.  Was she banging him the first time I asked months earlier and she said no?  No  way to know.

She broke up with her long distance boyfriend for this dude.  She was supposed to move back to America but she was willing to stay in Japan for this dude.  He told her not to bother.  One day he came up to me while she was out of town and wanted to be friends.  He talked about how she was a liar and a slut and we should be friends.  This chick was my best friend dudes.

This was almost 5 years ago and I am getting emotional writing about this right now.

I of course told her went down and she made me promise not to fight the guy for hating on her.  This between me and her were so strange.  She was back in my small village for a week before leaving Japan forever and we spent the week banging like champions.  In bed we are electric together.

The truth is that I can only tell you less than 1% of the story  here as it’s so convoluted and detailed.  I will tell you that that low point was when I told her “It doesn’t matter who you bang, I will always love you.”

If you aren’t cringing right now, I’m not sure you have been reading my blog enough!

The Inspiration for Change

I stayed in Japan another year.  The ghosts of her were everywhere though.  So when my time was up I couldn’t live in America.  I couldn’t be in the same country as her.  That’s how deep it was dudes.  I would love to pretend that I’ve always been a Jedi Pickup Artist but it ain’t true.  I am a creation of my own will.

I decided to move to London.  I of course couldn’t resist and spend a weekend in New York City with my best friend and met up with her for an afternoon.  If you ever read my posts where I am brutal to guys who are in love with their best friends it’s because of this day.  She already had a new boyfriend.  She’s one of those girls who’s perpetually in a relationship.  She can’t be alone.

I was so weak and I almost cried a ton.  I was the most beta guy on the planet that day.  I wish some other dude had come and kicked me out of orbit.

So I moved to London and I was so brokenhearted.  Distance did help and I finally stopped emailing her all the time.  Six months later I read The Game by Neil Strauss.  I read it in a single day.  It blew my mind.  If you ever wonder why I became such a legendary pickup artist so fast.  My pain was the fuel and this book was the engine.

That night was Christmas Eve and I was talking to her on the phone.  She mentioned how the dude might be moving to New York and he’d been by her apartment.  I realized in that moment what I was.  I was a worm.  I had created my own destiny.  But I was still a worm.  She hadn’t invited me to her apartment when I was visiting.

So I cut off all communications with her for years.  I focused on becoming the man I always dreamed of.  And the truth is she probably didn’t even notice that I wasn’t emailing her.  Was I cured?

Phase Three: Can You Get Your Oneitis Back?

This is a real truth about guys who read books and articles and blogs about meeting women.  And there is a 90% chance that it directly relates to you as you are reading this right now.  And most guys I know who are really big dating coaches will deny it to their graves.  But really most of us had the plan to become master pickup artists and then go back and make our Oneitis fall back in love with us.  I was just talking to Rob Judge about this the other week.  Might be why this topic is on my mind.

So a few months ago I was in Hawaii living my dreams and my oneitis popped onto skype.  It was so weird.  I hadn’t seen her online in like 3 years.  Within 30 minutes we were on the phone talking dirty as hell and I was badgering the witness.  I admit it.  She still really knows how to fire up my motor in a major way.

Turns out she just moved in with her new boyfriend but she was coming to Hawaii a few weeks after I was leaving.  She asked me to stay around and see her.  I could have.  But we definitely would have banged and I didn’t want to ruin another one of her relationships.  Even after all this time I still want the best for her.

We have been texting on and off for the last few months.  I’m going to be in New York very soon for a speaking engagement and so I was planning on seeing her and who knows.  She already broke up with that boyfriend.  So this was the first time we were ever talking when she was single.

I don’t want to go into too much detail since this all happened in the last few months and it’s recent history etc.  But the things I’ve learned is that people really don’t change.  She is 100% the same girl I knew 5 years ago.  She still plays the same games.  She still has the same issues.  She still knows how to break my heart without feeling anything.

Now I have changed a LOT since the last go round.  This time I was texting her while texting a hot lesbian in Nashville AND a hot lesbian in DC.  So the power dynamic has changed.  The games don’t hurt me.

The main reason I even put up with this is that at my heart I am a scientist and I love to see how experiements play out so I can report back to all you guys.  And my conclusion is this dudes.  Don’t go back.  You need to only look forward.  As much history as I have with this girl it just ain’t worth it.

But I can tell you write now that she will email or text or skype me sometime in the next few months.  And I will be tempted.  But I know my brothers will stop me from poisoning myself.

So please.  Try to stay cured of Oneitis.

So I realize that there are so many changes I want to make to this blog.  The main thing is that I want it to be the main focus of my life again.  I went from writing hundreds of posts a year to a couple dozen.  And that’s no good.  Also I seem to only be writing theory and educational posts.  I don’t want to give you guys the impression that my life has slowed down one bit.  I just made this decision that I should stop writing field reports now that I’m pretty well known as a dating coach.  But man I don’t wanna lose an image I spent years developing as a bad boy.

So let me tell you about last Saturday.  I bring up this night not because it’s exceptional but because it was like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.  I’m often paranoid when I’m around other pickup artists or really good looking guys.  I know it’s something that most other people don’t notice because I have a really highly developed ability for hiding my fears and acting anyways.  It’s what makes me such a force of nature when it comes to pickup.

So I’m about to go out with this new local dude Low0r.  We have talked online and he’s emailed me for advice in the past.  We just haven’t hung out before.  The guy is like a huge my name is earl with no mustache.  And he’s hilarious.  About 20 minutes before we are about to go out together he lets me know that we are going out with 2 other dudes.  So these guys roll into my place at like 8 or something which is wicked early in this country town unfortunately.  I break out the beers and we chill for a few minutes.  One of the friends starts telling me how it’s an honor to meet me and how pickup artists and coaches like me totally changed his life.

Low0r is totally worried that I’ll be embarassed.  That shows exactly how much he doesnt’ know me.  I am getting off on this 100%.  Who doesn’t want to be told that they are awesome.  So when you meet me and the truth is that just about anyone who emails me eventually gets to because I love traveling and partying so much, make sure to say it’s an honor to meet me or something.

It was like when a highlander cuts off another highlander’s head and there is all this lightening and then the guy has like twice as much power.

My game simply exploded.

We went to at least 7 bars.  And each bar I would open a set and be KILLING IT.  And of course the 4th guy who I haven’t mentioned because he was so negative would complain and demand that we change bars.  Normally I hate that.  But I was unstoppable.  Set.  Set.  Set.

I did a couple of things that are especially amazing.  I took a picture of every girl as I got her phone number.  I NEVER remember to do that.  So I woke up Sunday with faces to go with the numbers.  It really helped me to decide which girl I was more attracted to and helped motivate me to call.  Usually I suck about texting a girl because I don’t remember what she looks like.  And I hate the facebook exchange because let’s just say my page isn’t flattering to girls who are looking for boyfriends.  I am a whore when it comes to club pictures with girls.  I don’t care.

So we go from bar to bar to bar.  And this dude is pouring vodka down my throat and who am I to say no?  So I am blasted.

I remember meeting a bunch of girls having a birthday party.  I dropped one of my BEST openers “Are you guys really friendly or really mean, because I don’t want to talk to mean girls” – That’s right.  I’m giving you solid gold in the middle of a story.  It’s like a reward for actually reading this post.  And I’ll tell you right now that that opener works like 100% of the time for me, so it should work at least 90% of the time for you.  Nobody actually admits to being mean.  Most dictators self-justify their actions.

So I bought a round of shots.  I never buy drinks for girls, but I do honor the birthday party.  If you have seen my birthday party pics from 2009 you will understand just how seriously I take this event.

So then we are a bar later.  And I meet this Brazilian girl.  Her sweater matches her hat and that’s all I have to say.  I get her number and take a photo.

And here is where we have a blank space.  Now I spoke to the other dudes this weekend and apparently I was killing it at at least 2-3 more bars.

Then we end up at the late night bar where I am supposed to meet the Giraffe and her roommate who hates me.  Both of these girls are WAY bigger than me.  They are former major athletes and were super successful.  I found out from Low0r that I was killing it with 2 stunning German girls with the Giraffe shows up and I just walked away.  That is CLASSIC me.  I always forget girls and stuff.  It’s why I need a handler.  I can close any set but I forget and get distracted.  I think I have the pickup artist version of ADD.

So everyone goes home and stuff.  I don’t really notice.  I end up with my two giants in another late night dance club.  We are downing drinks but I sure don’t remember.

I made out with both girls and eventually we end up in a big pile in my bed.  Where I pull the classic move of being too drunk to fuck and passing out.

First Encounter

So I’m out with my bro in law, well it’s my sister’s boyfriend but it’s super long term, and we hit the bars on Friday night.  I’ll shorten my usual lengthy intro and get to it.  I am just hanging out with him and not working girls but of course I end up talking to a professional sports team cheerleader.  I don’t wanna say which team or too much because I know you sneaks will figure it out….

Her chubby glum roomate is super lame but she doesn’t stop us from talking and doesn’t even force my bro to talk to her.  She lets him sneak off to call my sister.  So I chat to this girl for like an hour or so and she seems awesome.  We start talking about Orbital.  Now if a girl knows about Orbital I instantly like her.  Of course if her body is tight as a drum as well…..I think you get the idea.  She is digging on me super hard so I get the digits.  I can’t just go home with her because I got my bro with me and I am not putting him in that awkward situation.  I know he would just sit in the living room talking to the chubster, but my sis would be wicked mad.  I don’t need family drama.

So me and him slip off.  When I get home she starts blowing up my phone.  I’m so bored.  I have nothing to do.  etc….  She just dumped her boyfriend of a year and a half earlier that day.  She doesn’t say too much but I get the feeling the relationship was tumultuous.  I get a little bit of a Lifetime movie vibe.

She is smoking hot, so I wanna creep on her so bad.  I’m too drunk to drive over to her place and it’s just too complicated a situation.  The next night I’m going out with some new dude from the local lair.  I’m not teaching so I just go out to raise hell.  I know I’m gonna get drunk so I take a taxi to the bar.  The whole way there my cheerleader is blowing me up.  Text text text.  She agrees to meet me at 1am for a date.  I think we all know what that means.

First Date

So I hang out with the dude for a couple of hours, but that’s a sidestory.  She has to go home and change after her part time job.  I’m like I am sure you look fine etc….  I hate waiting.  But it was worth it.  She is wearing the tightest black dress of all time.  You can see everything.  All the guys are scoping her when she walks in and she comes straight up to me.  I get that full LondonPaladin feeling.  Like hell ya I still got it!  You know?  21.  Smoking hot. Cheerleader.  Into me.  It’s allll good.

So we have a couple of beers.  She kinda lets me know that her last boyfriend was super possessive and it was a problem.  I’m like babe I’m the opposite.  A bunch of guys she knows walk up and it’s clear they are orbiters.  Instead of my usual move of Tanking them (from My Best Friends Girl – great movie) I just tell her that I gotta use the bathroom and that they seem like really nice guys.  I disappear for like 20 minutes.  Some gorilla tries to start a fight with me in the toilets but my complete disinterest overwhelms him and he walks off.

I come back and we chill a bit more and then she’s like I guess it’s time to go home.  She asks how I got to the bar.  I let her know I have no car and she offers to give me a ride back to mine.  Ten minutes later we are back at her place.  We end up chilling on her porch and drinking beers for three hours or something.

I never felt that sexual spark.  Usually I just know in my guts when it’s time to go for it.  And I just never felt it.  it’s weird.  I can tell she’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to her, but the physical is just all off.  At 4am or so she tells me it’s time to drive me home.  We are now in her bedroom and I tell her that I hate that moment when we get to my house and it’s awkward and I’m like do I kiss her or do I not kiss her etc.  She is like I just broke up with a long term bad relationship yesterday so I’m not ready to do anything.

I’m a nice guy at heart and by now I have the feeling that things between them were physical and not in the good way.  So I’m not gonna pressure a girl who’s this damaged.

We get back to mine and I start to get out of the car and she’s like what?  I don’t get ANYTHING?  So I go for the kiss immediately and we have a high school style kiss.

I already know at this point that all signs point to crazy and that I should never talk to her again.  You just get that feeling.  Obviously I now can’t resist her.

We have plans to hang out Sunday but she sends me the friends text.  She tells me she is too damaged and needs time away from boys.  Yay!

Warning Signs

So come Friday I’m out at the bar with JohnnyC69 getting my wasted on.  I am friends with a part time model/bartender and she was hooking it up.  I know we did at least 6 or 7 free shots.  So it all got hazy.  At some point she came to meet up with us and I try to ditch Johnny.  Because I am an asshole.

But he comes back and joins us for a few minutes.  I’m hammered so my first thought is “this son of a bitch is creeping on my new toy” but really he was bored of the other girls around us.  He talks to us for ten minutes and he is like dude that girl has the lowest self esteem of all time.  You need to get out of here.  Stay away from her.  My attraction skyrockets because crazy girls know how to bring the noise in bed.

I’m so hammered that I then lose her talking to her friends.  Two underage girls start creeping on me because they think I’m with her.  It’s great.  All I remember is that she left without me and when I realize it and call her she’s gone home. I take a taxi home and consider my epic drinking problem.

Shutter Island

Saturday night at 1am.  8Days since first contact.

She calls me and says she’s bored and wants to see me.  She says all of her friends are out of town and she is lonely.  I am sitting in my room programming so what do you think I would rather do.  Some times I just think with my little brain.

I can’t really describe the course of events after I arrived.  Time lost all meaning in the vortex of insanity so I can only offer you some highlights.  And I promise you that this is at most 30% of the crazy shit she said.  It’s been two weeks and I am really trying to block it all out.

She opens her mail and finds a huge bill from the hospital.  She tears it up and says ‘let’s see those fuckers try and get me to pay when I’m dead.”

She tells me how she met a guy in the hospital with a big red mark on his neck.  He tried to hang himself.

She decided not to date him because “You shouldn’t date people you meet in the asylum.”

That’s right all you HATERS.  I found a girl who was actually in the mental hospital.  So don’t ever tell me you met a crazy girl until you meet a girl who got locked up for it!

She starts saying how she is texting with her ex again.  I instantly know she will get back together.

He is a really good guy.  He just gets super jealous because he is really insecure and doesn’t realize what a great guy he is.

He is almost 30 and basically unemployed but he’s just finding himself.

She isn’t allowed to go out or be near any other guys because he gets really jealous.  He cheated on his last girlfriend a LOT so he knows that it’s easy to cheat.

When he goes out with his friends he turns off his phone and he yells at her.  He needs his own space and privacy.  I point out at this point that he is 100% cheating on her and she explains that no – she is too hot to be cheated on.

She concludes this story by saying that yes he hit her.  But only once.  And it was really her fault for starting it.  And he will never do it again.

At this point she goes from calling him her x to calling him her boyfriend.  That’s right.  That set of stories made her want to get back with him.

She went on about how he’s her first true love and she’s willing to work really hard and just wishes he would work really hard too.  She also mentions that she loves to watch Lifetime movies.  I laugh and tell her she’s living one.

Then things started getting really crazy.

It’s all such a blur I wish I had recorded it.

I finally wanted to leave because I was just so bored after an hour of this.  She blocked the window with her leg.  Yes.  You go in and out through the window.  And is like you can’t leave me right now.  She intimates that she might kill herself if I leave.

I am really turned on be emotional blackmail.

But don’t worry.  It’s all getting better.

She starts telling me about the girl’s she is friends with that I should meet.  Like the one who had a baby last month but put it up for adoption.  Or the girl she got kicked out of high school with.

The whole time I am texting JohnnyC69 telling him what to tell the cops when they find my body in the woods.

The highlight of the evening was at dawn.  I am still trying to leave.  So she fakes appendicitis.

I am not even joking her.  She starts screaming and telling me she has unbelievable pain in her side.  Now I’m freaked out that if I leave she might die.  I do not want that conversation with the cops.  Especially with my fingerprints on the window and shit.

So I keep googling medical stuff on my phone and telling her that it might be an STD.  Some of them have the side effect of insanity.  she says this isn’t possible.  Finally the pain just goes away after 2 hours.  The longest 2 hours of my life.  And I got trapped inside a rollercoaster in Japan.   By myself.  This was worse.

She tells me that she can’t wait to hang out again.  I tell her that I will never see her again.  As I’m leaving I do try to get one last kiss.  I mean come on.  I am still a little bit of a creep.  She explains that our first kiss is the only time she’s ever cheated on her boyfriend and doesn’t want to do it again.  She asks if we can just be friends.

Um.  I don’t need friends that I fear will cut me in my sleep.  But thanks.

What I did wrong

First of all.  Her attraction was diminishing by the moment after our first encounter.  The sexual spark was there that first night and each time after that was less and less.  Why you ask?  Because this girl is bat shit crazy and wants to get back with her ex because he treats her bad.  Which is her fetish.

I needed to go home with her that first night and have that rebound sex and then never talk to her again.

I also ignored all the warning signs.  I actually screen for crazy pretty hard when I meet girls.  Then I ignore my warnings.

That first night at her house I could feel it happening.  I was thinking too much comfort + not enough physical = let’s be best friends!

Now the reason the physical is off is because she is attracted to abusive relationships.  This means that all of her physical signs and signals are off.  I don’t speak that language so I don’t know how to turn her on.  That’s why we ended up with me becoming like an orbiter.

I kept going back after I knew she was crazy.  I basically live for the adventure.  I went over to her house because I knew it would be a great blog post.

Final Thoughts

It’s just not worth it.  I have access to lots of beautiful women.  I need to avoid this type of girl.

Also, I cut out HUGE portions of her terrifying stories.  I didn’t even tell you anything about her mom or her several crazy dads.  So when you see me in person, feel free to ask!

I never really write about dates anymore unless something amazing happens.  Today it did.

I met a really cute, really skinny brunette last Saturday night.  She's such a social butterfly that I had trouble getting a date with.  She lives like an hour away in the nearest college town.  We were texting here and there.  I was making sure she sent the last text of each conversation.  So Saturday morning I'm texting her and I let her know I have a new fishing pole.  Bam she agrees to a Monday morning fishing date.  It's important to know that I have been fishing once in the last ten years and I didn't catch anything.

So I have to crawl outa bed this morning at 7.  When the alarm went off I was like WTF?  Then I remembered and I slowly got into motion.  I show up at her house at 9 instead of 8.  When I call her I wake her up and she is in my car within 5 minutes and actually looking cute with so little prep. We head out looking for this little map that I found on google maps.

I got the top down and the sun is shining.  It was really nice out today.  It turns out the lake is more like a large swimming pool and it's surrounded by houses.  It's all private property.  We find this one spot where there is a big chain in front of a park with a no trespassing sign.  We park right in front of it and ask this dude who is mowing his lawn for permission to hang out there.  He tells us that it's his neighbor who put up the signs and that really he's trying to stop people who drive down right to the lake edge and tear up the grass.

So we go down and she totally wants to fish.  So I tie a hook on the line.  She is impressed with my knot and now thinks I'm a natural woodsman.  Don't worry that thought doesn't last long.  I strung the reel wrong and I have to cut off the hook and start over.  Eventually I get this little neon orange hook on the line and she starts casting.  I'm just chilling and chatting

I don't exactly go on a lot of morning dates.  But I never go fishing either.  I like the chilling part more than the catching a fish part.  To be honest I'm glad we picked this spot.  The water is like 4 inches deep and there are probably no fish in this "lake."

She keeps catching the hook on twigs and stuff so we move further down the shore til we are right in front of the dude's house.  It's the guy that put up the signs.  There are like 10 no fishing, no swimming, no NOTHING signs all over the place.  We are just chilling with no possibility of catching a fish.  She just keeps catching algae and shit.

Then she's like dude I got something.  I look and the line is swimming around.  I'm like wtf?  She starts slowly reeling it in.

She fucking caught an 8 pound bass.  In the shallowest water of all time. 

All I am thinking is that I do NOT want to touch that fucking thing.  She brings it in.  And I have to get into the mud to take some pictures and then to try and get the hook out of the bastard.  It's as big as a damn cat.  Every time I grab the hook to try and get it out the fish bucks.  It's totally freaking me out.

I try 3 or 4 times and then I'm like babe you're more country than me.  Get the hook outa that fish.  She tries about twice and finally we are wondering how long we have til this fish dies?…

In the end we cut the line with this giant neon orange hook in the fishes mouth.  I'm like sorry dude but if you don't hold still you just gotta look like an outlaw for life.  The girl has a piercing in the same spot so she kinda likes it.  So if you see a giant bass with a big orange hook and like 4 feet of line trailing from it, you know the two master fishermen that did that.

As far as the date went.  I didn't creep too hard.  I think she's pretty cool but she gets hit on by REALLY creepy guys like 10 times a week.  If a girl is attracting super creepy guys I might not want to get drawn into that vortex.  Plus her friend is super cute and I've started creeping on her too.  We had a really cool time and I've definitely expanded my social circle in a good direction. 

Now I didn't originate the idea of a photo routine, but there are parts of this that I though of myself.  I probably didn't do anything other than re-invent the wheel, but I thought I would share this anyway.  I learned about photo routines from my first coach Stickler back in Guildford, so I wanna be sure to give him love.

The Purpose -

Whenever you are taking a photo with a girl, as with any "routine," pattern, piece of conversation, escalation or whatever you want to call it, you need to know WHY you are doing it.  The WHY will determine the effectiveness of the operation.  If you just take pictures to take pictures, well you won't accomplish anything. 

1.  To have a ton of pictures with hot girls – Let's not lie to each other.  This is the main reason we take pictures with girls.  We wanna throw them on our facebook page so that we can tell our friends we have social proof.  We want to attach them to field reports so that guys from the internet will respect us. 

Guess what?  That's a 100% legitimate reason to take a picture with a girl.  Building up your facebook page will slowly build up your social status, but the main thing that having a ton of hot girls on your facebook page does is make you feel good about yourself.  It builds up your confidence and this is a KEY element of all the dating systems I have ever encountered. 

A lot of guys will take a shitload of pictures when they are first learning game.  This will last for about 6 months.  I am not sure why, but it is usually about this long.  I went from pictures of every set to pictures here and there, to once a month or at a big party.

2.  To build attraction – You can spike attraction early in a set by taking a bunch of photos with a girl.  It's fun and girls love to by photographed when they are out.  Just because it only took you 15 minutes to get dressed, doesn't mean she spent less than an hour.  Girls only go out if they look amazing, so they are photo-ready.

With this goal in mind, you take the photos fast and early, but you don't push for the kiss.  This is more about having a ton of fun.  Think of all those Japanese girls that love puricura.  (the photobooth shit)

3.  To build rapport - It's later in the set and you are struggling to get past attraction.  You only have a tenuous connection with the girl.  You can tell she likes you but you want to tie her to that second date.

In this case you will focus on taking rapport building pictures.  Instead of you/her pictures you want US pictures.  Girls like taking romantic or fun photos and this is an easy way to get that facebook close.  She will want to be tagged in photos where she looks cute.  It makes you real.

4.  To escalate -  Let's not fuck around.  This is the main reason I rock the photo routine.  It doesn't matter where you are in set if you get this right, so I am really going to focus on this part.  I only break out the camera to get some pictures of a tongue war.  And the example photos below are of this version of the routine.

The preparation

You need to plan this in advance.  The first thing you need to do is get the right camera.  I know it seems obvious, but cell phone pics still look like shit when compared to digital camera pics.  I have been rocking the same camera for 5 years now and it's still taking way better photos than my new badass blackberry. 

Equipment

I use a Casio Exilim.  I bought the bitch in Japan in 2005.  That's right.  I'm that old.  And this camera is my fucking soulmate.  I took like 5k pictures of my oneitis with it.  I took pictures in Thailand, South Korea, Cambodia, Japan, Sweden, Austria, and England with it.  It has been there for my whole journey.  It broke once.  Like the zoom motor broke.  I took it to an electronics shop in Japan and they fixed it for like 80 bucks. It's been perfect ever since.

I bought this camera for 2 very important reasons.  Everyone I knew who had been in Japan for more than a year had the same camera.  In a country where electronics kick ass, to see 10 people saying the same camera is awesome is a BIG sign.  The other reason is more important.  It's the exact width of my fingers.  Most fuckers don't think of this shit.  But I get drunk…A LOT.  So some of the newer version of this camera are a little difficult for me to hold.  Translation – I will drop them.  I mean I am pretty sure that in 5 years I have dropped this camera 3-4 times.  But it's endured.  Also if a camera is too thick, you will hold it different each time.  That's no good.  So get one that fits your hand.

The case for your camera is also something to consider.  If you got keys or your phone in the same pocket the thing is gonna get knocked around.  I have a case that my camera slips into.  It basically adds like 2mm on 5 of the 6 sides of the camera.  It's not a big stupid camera case with room for film or whatever.  I love it and it's SMALL.  Remember you don't wanna wear like a fishing vest filled with your "pickup gear."

The 2 Ps – Plan and Partner

This is like the most important part of the photo routine.  You gotta let your wing in on it.  You need to have a 5 minute discussion with him about what to do.  2 years ago I almost punched Keychain in the face for fucking up my photo routine.  You wanna make sure that your wing remembers that he is your friend and doesn't start doing that old school lame ass "alpha" shit like start taking pictures of himself and then hand the camera back. 

Instead let him know that HE is crucial.  When he has the camera girls RESPECT him.  Think about how we treat photographers our whole lives.  Our brains are programmed to obey them.  And if a girl is a model, well then she really can't resist the commands of a camera man.

Your wing is important for 2 reasons – he can escalate on your behalf AND he is a buffer.  If I can get a girl to kiss me on the cheek, then my wing can convince her to lick my cheek.  This is a picture that Stickler took where he told 2 girls to lick the side of my face.  He took like 3 pix but this is the best one.  And BOTH of these girls had boyfriends like 5 feet away.

He is a great buffer because if the girl rejects his escalation, it doesn't affect you.  You can just burn him.  If your buddy is like "make out!" and she freaks out.  Just be like ignore him, he's always making trouble.  And BOOM. You protected her.  So you can still get points.

Strike Time

Now you do NOT need a reason to take a photo with a girl.  Just in the middle of chatting say "Let's take a photo."  It's that simple.  Don't make it a big deal.  If you are opening with a photo routine then you might need something else. 

Goal 1 - If your goal is a ton of pics with hot girls then just do a speed version of this routine.  Walk up to girls and say you are on vacation and you want pics of all the cool people from there.  Just be high energy.  Or have your wing say it's your birthday and you need pics because you are going to blackout.  This both work.  Just remember.  HIGH ENERGY.

Goal 2 - About 5 minutes into the set either brake out the camera or have your wing do it.  "You know what?  You're pretty cool.  Let's take a picture so we can treasure this moment forever."  Say something fun or cheesy like that.  Then take silly fun photos and only ratchet up for the romance at the end of the routine.  Take a normal pic.  Then underwater with cheeks puffed.  Then scared like the boulder from Temple of Doom is rolling behind you.  (Most girls I go for are too young for this movie so I just say being chased by the Abominable Snowman).  The idea here is to have fun.  You can make the final picture – Stare into each other's eyes like you are on top of the Eiffel Tower.  This is money!  Flips her romance switch.  (If you are going for a bf situation)  You gotta calibrate to what you want.  But this is an easy way to transition to comfort.

Goal 3 -  Take the pictures when you are getting to know each other.  Make it more of a travel vacation theme.  In front of the pyramids.  In a space ship.  In the future when you both have robot eyes.  Shit like this.  It's about future projecting and locational rapport.  (To show you that I DO know some fancy ass pua terms.)

You want her to imagine you in her life in the future.  And you want her to imagine you in different backgrounds.  Both of this things make her feel like she has known you longer.  She will feel more emotionally closer to you.  This is comfort/rapport/connection or whatever pickup term YOU like to use for it.

NOW THE GOOD SHIT

Goal 4 – Escalate.  If you read goals 1-3 and said fuck that noise.  Then I totally hear you.  Basically as you advance through game you will move this routine later and later in your set.  Until you get tight and then just use it whenever you want.

First the DEMO!.  These pics were taken by Tov last Friday after I taught him the basics of the routine.

I met this girl about 3 minutes before this photo was taken.  I was outside smoking and I just had a feeling.  I gave Tov the signal and he was like lemme take a photo. 

Now a beginner might look at this photo alone and thing "shit how does he do that"  but I am gonna let you guys behind the curtain.  It's all perception.  If a girl feels a little bit comfortable with you, she will fall into her normal "I'm with a guy" pose.  That's what is happening here.  YES she is attracted to me, but just a little bit.  This is her being normal for her.

This photo is about 90% good winging by Tov.  He says to her.  What the fuck are you doing?  Take a REAL photo.  He's escalating her for me.  So she leans in more.  When I am winging I will shout things like "Show me the sexy!"  But just see what girls respond to when you are the photog.  Just think paparazzi.  You can shout shit like "come on this shit is gonna be on TMZ, sex it up a little"  Any shit like that.

So now she is leaned in close.  Of course I think this pic sucks with here eyes blacked out.  It isn't as good looking as the first one.  Even though from a technical standpoint it's got a TON more kino and compliance from her.  See how my body is pointed towards the camera but her's is pointed towards me?  That's right.  Her vagina is aimed at my cock.

This picture is epic because a TON of things are happening right here.  All within about 2 seconds.  So I am gonna bring you through on slo-mo. 

Tov starts by "fucking up" my routine.  He over escalates.  He says "now kiss."  No lead in or anything.  And I start to burn him, BUT she immediately kisses me.  The student becomes the master.  It turns out that I underestimated the situation.  Or how slutty this girl is, but either way.  She complied with the full push.

So I hesitated, but the force of his will was enough to get me the makeout.  This led to about a 20 minute dirty makeout session.  The idea here is to have a good flow.

We went pictures -> sexy picture -> makeout.

The Standard Version

Now you should always be willing to vary what you do and experiment with new shit.  But this is the basic Paladin Escalation Photo Routine. (PEPR – pronounced pepper)  HAHA..  I just thought of that wicked name for this.  You can be like hey wing "Got any Paper?" and he can be like no, but I've got a fucking camera.

Ok so the photos have 3 phases.  And I usually only take 3 photos.

1.  Take a normal picture.  Anything can work here.  Just bring her in really tight.  If she gives you 6 take 7.  On the scale of like sexy photoness.  So if she snuggles a little, just push for a little more. 

2.  This is the escalation photo.  It's like preparing her for photo 3.  Depending on vibe you want to go for the Under the Ocean pic or you can push for the Can't you be Sexy pic?  Either way you are moving attraction and kino forward.

3.  The close.  Here I usually say now stare into my eyes.  Depending on vibe, you can say something like just like in Lady and the Tramp.  Or you can say somewhere romantic. 

Again if your partner knows the pattern, all you have to do is let him direct.  If you are obeying him, she will feel that and feel even more inclined to obey.

 Final Thoughts

You and your wings should just have 1 camera for the night.  I used to be the camera guy, but now I just give my camera to someone I trust.  Now some guys will take the camera and then hand it back to you at the end of the nigh without having taken a picture.  So never give that dude the camera again.  It's a waste.  For now Tov is my new camera dude because he's a maniac with it.  I just opened iphoto to get those 3 demo photos and there are like 30 pics of that fucker with different girls.  I mean really I want him taking pictures of me, but hey.  Either way it's happening.

The other thing is that if you take a club photo with a girl you probably won't fuck her.  This is pretty much why I stopped taking photos.  Whenever I think a set is really good to go, I don't take a photo.  Like these pics are from Friday.  This girl wasn't special so whatever.  But Saturday night I met a girl that was smoking hot and super cool.  I only ran 1 set all night and so I didn't break out the camera.  This might just be my personality.  So you can experiment for yourself, but keep this in mind.  Once a girl takes a pic with you a one night stand HAS to count.  Because there is proof. 

Don't take pictures to fuck with a girl.  Don't post pictures to harm her or fuck with her reputation on facebook or some shit.  For real.  I have 3 sisters and 2 nieces and I fucking love women.  So just don't use my shit for evil.

I wasn't really gonna write a field report about this night since Tov and Svelte wrote such good recounts on the lair and masf, but what the hell.  It was a crazy night.  For me I really don't like to write about stuff unless it's really educational or amazing.  I realized that I still haven't written about the time I almost went to jail for 25 years in Tunisia for fornication.  I am really writing a short story about that.  So I'll see what comes of it.

Anyways, I get a call from JohnnyC69 that Tov and Svelte drove up from Cookeville, picked him up and are on the way to my place.  Then he asks where I live.  It's astounding that a guy can come over like 5 times and still not know.  But I get lost a lot too.  It's why I always rely on the GPS in my blackberry.  So I tell him the way and tell Inbred to get dressed.

The guys scoop us and we head to my favorite local honkey tonk.  It's pretty empty so we are just sitting outside chatting.  Just a quiet Friday with no cute girls.  Since I don't have to drive I decide to throw down a few cocktails.  I'll admit it – I like to drink.  I'm not sure what happened but suddenly I was drunk as shit.  I only found out later that my drinks were like 80% vodka.  So I was 4x drunker than I expected.  Well in these types of situations we just gotta adapt.

I realize 2 things are once – we are standing in what I call a lair circle and I really need to pee.  Now if you have ever been out with a group of more than 3 pickup artists or visited a small town lair you will be able to quickly recognize a lair circle.  All the guys stand in a circle talking about girls and never opening.  There is something like a vortex about them.  I have seen 'em in London and Cambridge.  Virgo told me he saw one in LA.  So I know they happen everywhere.  I need to break out of this so I tell Inbred it's time to stroll.  I go into the toilet and that son of a bitch is in a goddam 1set.  How does that help me warm up??  I head back to the boys because I still have that antsy feeling.

It's like when you are doing double skip jump rope and you just wait for that right moment to jump in.  If you time it wrong the ropes will hit you.  You know when to jump, but if you get nervous your timing will be off and then it all ends in tears and skinned knees.  I have never actually done jump rope with 2 ropes, but this is just what I imagine it feels like.  And this is my story so I get to use whatever damned metaphors I want to.

So I go back to the guys and Tov and Svelte are dripping with AA.  They are from a small town and I get that.  Plus I guess they are actually JohnnyC69 fans.  Which is kinda cool for him.  I mean they are nice guys.  Just young.  As most guys know, there is nothing more contagious amongst animals than fear.  And AA is just another form of fear.  So now I'm catching it and I know that if you leave it just lying there, something will break.

So I head back and find Inbred and he asks me to wing him.  Turns out his girl has a friend.  I'm really not sure why he is talking to a 6, but I get to enjoy the company of her friend.  A rock solid 4.  Good news though.  She is one of the ugly girls who also has a shitty personality.  I walk up and ask her why she's texting so much.  Turns out she's updating her facebook status.  Awesome.  I just keep grinding and it's not hitting.  I will tell you something that is no secret to any of my friends.  I SUCK with ugly chicks.  They just hate me.  I can't close a 4 to save my life.  I'm not complaining really.  It's like the fact that I can't get strep throat.  I'm simply immune to that disease. 

I could make out with girls who have strep throat all night long and nothing will happen to me.  Now if she blows me…I just don't know if a man can get strep cock, so why find out?

So this girl is just boring as hell.  She keeps doing facebook shit.  Eventually she tells me that my beard is ugly.  Now I know for a face that I have a bad ass George Micheal 1988 beard.  I have experimented with dozens of looks and haircuts to maximize my sexy factor.  I mean she could call me fat.  I'm a little bit chubby so ok.  But she hates my beard?  Lying to a man is just plain rude.  By this point Inbred's girl has walked off so I finally eject too.  I can only do so much winging.

He then tells me that it counts as him opening two sets.  I was like what?  If you fuck the same girl twice does that mean you have fucked 2 girls?  I hate his math skills.  I mean lack of math skills.  I'm still a little pissed about the 10 in the car that he snatched from me.

Anyways, my AA is rolling back in.  It really just never goes away.  Every day is a new damn day.  So I'm like Inbred, let's roll.  Fuck this noise it's time to make some waves.

So I see 13 girls sitting on a bench and I just open all those bitches.  He rolls over to the other end of the bench.  My girl is ok, but we are just too close to the band so she can only hear some of what I'm saying.  Then we start watching Inbred.  I don't know what that fucker is saying and he still hasn't told me, but goddamit.  I watch each girl he's talking to get up and he slides on seat closer to me and the girl I'm talking to.  I'm trying to get through the girl next to me to her friend who is actually really pretty. 

And Inbred is rolling at me with the power of the inevitable.  I swear to God.  He actually got all the girls to get up including the one next to me.  She even pinkie swore that we would talk again.  Obviously we never did.  To be fair I forgot which one she was, because something strange happened next.

The bar is only 40% full which always makes me nervous when I'm out but almost every girl there is a Nashville 8 or better.  I gotta say Nashville 8 because I have been to Sweden.

From here on in, the story is going to be out of order.  I was drunk as shit and I always lose my internal clock when I'm drunk.  I remember a lot of the night but I can never remember the order things happen in.  Tov was like having an AAgasm, so I grabbed him and threw him into a booth as hard as I could.  I could swear I heard bone crack into wood, but sometimes you just gotta beat the fear out of someone.  According to his field report that set went really well for him.  So just goes to show, a firm hand works.

I end up meeting some big dude from Wisconsin or one of those other states that people never really talk about and they never have movies that take place there.  It's like one of those states that writers write about to show people how smart they are.  It reminds me of books like Catcher in the Rye or something.  I know that's in New York but I just wanted to mention how much I hate that book.  Complaining teenage angst.  Or maybe Wisconsin is where all those "coming of age" plays take place.  All I know is I have never been there and I doubt I could find it on a map.  And I'm pretty sure my oneitis went to college there.

OK.  So I am talking to this jacked dude and I swear he starts talking about how all these guys in the bar are roided out.  I was like dude you are pretty jacked.  But I can see his point.  Then we start to make fun of fat girls.  Those bitches ALWAYS drink diet coke.  I don't think they understand that diet means something different when you put it in front of a word.  It's much better AFTER a word.  I will explain.  DIET PEPSI – Less fattening pepsi.  SOUTH BEACH DIET – a method to make your fatass shrink (or give you a heart attack.)

So we start joking about this and 2 girls roll out.  I dive at their table and start chatting to mine.  Her voice was so deep me and this dude jump.  I was like holy crap this girl is channelling Barry White.  So we chat a few minutes and his girl has a husband or boyfriend who comes out and it's like we are trying to eject as fast as possible.  Also I think mine had a bad personality.  Or I might have just thought that because her voice was so deep.

Then at some point I was talking to this girl by the bar for like 40 minutes.  Oh shit.  I remember now.  I walk up to this really cute girl and the guy next to her and ask if he's her boyfriend.  She says he's her brother and I said that still doesn't answer my question. 

So I chat to her and he slips off.  She has this orbiter friend guy that keeps popping around.  Lately I have been talking about how all orbiters are bitches and I have been tanking them like crazy.  Just because they try and step to my game.  Man I made this dude cry last week, but anyways.  I keep chatting to her and I get her number.  And I am like baby what's your name again?  She tells me and I start laughing.  I thought she was making it up.  I was like that's not a real name.

Whoops.  Turns out it wasn't a fake name, but it might have been a fake number.  I'll never call after that.  And dudes I don't know how this happened but her orbiter just walks up and starts making out with her.  And all I can do is think man that guys shirt is really cool.  Usually orbiters dress like dicks, so I respect any dude with good fashion in this one horse town.  I almost ask him where it's from but his tongue is busy. 

I'm not even upset because 3 minutes later I'm in another set.  I am totally forgetting like 7 sets or something so you'll have to ask the other guys or read their field reports.  I 5 pictures from the night so those help me a lot with figuring things out.  This dude looked exactly like Freddie Prinze jr.  and since that dude is on 24 this year he is all in my mind.  I love that show.  Can't help it.  So much over the top drama.

Ok so I decide I like this dude.  I do some of my jazz and I kiss this girl then he kisses her.  Now his two "wings" show up.  These guys are total idiots.  They are trying to tank me but they don't realize that I've decided to help Freddie out.  I mean the dude is fighting terrorists on tv every damn monday night.  It's the least I could do.  They keep saying shit that is weirding this girl out.  I pull them aside and I'm like guys I know you think your'e cool but you're destroying your friend.  If you wanna keep him from getting laid keep talking.

According to Tov I did a spin move and then those dudes were gone.  I will ask him tomorrow to show me what I did.  But then I chat with Freddie and his girl some more….and then blackness.  HAha.  I know.  I wonder if he closed the set too.  Oh well.  Thanks vodka brain!

Next set.  There are these 2 blonds.  They were so hot that I chickened out on opening them twice earlier.  But it's time.  They sit down and I jedi open that shit.  Within one minute this girl that's so hot is fucking with my tie.  I am wearing this cool purple shirt I got from Express with a skinny white tie.  The bitch makes it into a big Donald Duck bow.  All the other guys are impressed by all this "kino."  But the main thing going through my mind is how did I lose control of this train?

Of course I have this other issue.  I really respect when a girl is ACTUALLY funny.  I mean it's pretty rare.  Especially for a really hot girl.  But I thought that was really funny.  So I left it in for like 5 whole minutes.  I have 2 pictures of me with these girls and that tie.  It's so funny.  Anyways they go to get more drinks or to use the bathroom or dance.  Those are the 3 things girls do.

Last thing I remember is that I am talking to some girl and Tov is right next to me sitting down.  He says she's a really hot blond.  So I believe him.  The guy was stone cold sober.  So I talk to this girl like 5 minutes and I shout GROUP HUG.  And he starts to stand up and I'm like don't move fucker.

And then I just shoved the girls face at his face.  Their faces are like 1 milimeter apart.  That's less than an inch for you guys that prefer inches.  And like the damn kid doesn't pull the trigger. 

I read his field report and the kid feels a shitload of shame.  So I'm not gonna torture him on here.

Analysis of the Night

I have pictures of me with 5 smoking hot girls.  Good for the old facebook profile.

I kissed 2 girls ( I'm pretty sure)

I got 1 number (then told the girl her name was shitty)

Overall I had fun but for real I mean to focus and get my dick wet.  Maybe next time I will be less like Tucker Max…but probably not.

I have been recovering from the events of New Years Eve for a few days now. I certainly haven’t been out partying since then, so it’s still fresh in my mind. This is a long tail and my fingers are sore, but I’ll do my best.

I decide to spend new years with my buddy Truck. We have been going out almost every night since I got home and he is currently my best friend here. We are even moving in together in a few weeks. I hear from a couple of the lair guys about some event downtown where a guitar is dropping and Nashville wants to be Times Square. Sounds lame, but they also promise a crowd. And I LOVE crowds.

We load up a couple of flasks. Jack* for him and Parrot Bay for me. Don’t judge! I basically drank Jack 80% of the night. But man nobody loves it like Truck. To be honest, I think he should be sponsored by Jack. We get my dad to drop me off at a local bar at like 7 or something. You can never really start New Years too early.

Before we leave the house we load up a little bottle of diet coke with Jack. By the time we get to the bar I’m already tipsy and feeling smooth. We pull up a coupla stools at the bar, but I gotta stand because there is a huge steel flask in my back pocket. Fun fact for you guys – I bought the two flasks years ago at pottery barn. I am pretty sure just to sneak into movies. So I am standing there and we pound a couple of beers. There is a real lack of eye candy in this sports bar. I know. But it’s a good warm up.

The place is one of my old haunts and it is really interesting to see things through eyes that have been opened. There is a girl bartender that Truck thinks is cute, so of course the guy serves us. Guess if he got a good tip. I hate being served by a dude. So we get pretty lit there and then I am getting texts from a lair dude offering a ride the rest of the way to downtown. How could we turn that down?

Somehow we get an amazing free parking space right on the street about 100 meters from the party. I know I use meters, but look I been in the UK a long damn time. So I have to pee so bad I can taste it in the back of my throat.  We pop into Sbarro’s to hit the toilet but the line is bastard long.  This other dude says he has a secret piss spot that won’t have a line, so I put my trust in him.

We end up behind a dumpster next to the bar I do all my game in.  As I am tearing into the back of this thing like a racehorse, guys come out to throw out trash and are like don’t piss here!  But they are just joking and don’t really care.  I know I didn’t.  While the other guys are pissing I start talking to some dude having a smoke.  It turns out he is a barback in there.  So I chat to him a bit to find out how many girls are in there etc.  Seems like a good option.

We spend some time outside in the free party and me n Truck are hitting the flasks to keep the party going.  There isn’t a cute girl in site and there are tons of families and chubby out-of-towners.  Finally Truck and I decide to hit our new bar.  We try to bring the other dude, but at the last minute he leaves the line.  We asked if it was too expensive for him, as we didn’t want to be dicks.  He ran off to see his other friend and I didn’t even realize it, as I was giving my ID to the bouncer dude when he slipped off.

Inside we chat to this smoking hot bartender that we have been befriending for weeks.  She is cool and then we bounce around.  Gonna be honest.  Truck got a double of Jack and I sad me too like an idiot.  It tasted like fire and shame.  From then on, life got REAL hazy.  I started talking to this older lady who looked like someone.  I can’t remember who.  She was cool and was married to the barback up there.  He was so jacked.

Truck starts talking to this really pretty chick.  He didn’t realize that she was super married.  I could see her diamond from 20 feet away.  I am joking with the other 2 girls for a while and finally I decide to dive in.  Her friend is kinda cute and NOT rocking a ring. So I roll up.  I am like I think my friend has no idea this girl is married.  We start chuckling and she is like ya her husband is right here.  He totally doesn’t care, so why not chill out.  I chat to my girl about 5 minutes and we start kissing.  It’s only 11:30.

People around us start clapping.  Her friends now want to go outside for the final ball drop.  She is like come with us and I will give you a real kiss at midnight.  So I say, how about you just give me a real kiss right now – stick your tongue in my face.  So she does and I nearly lost a tooth.  It was awesome.  Unfortunately, there was a complete and total lack of logistics.  She is going back to Chicago the next morning and staying with her friends.  So I let her go outside without me.

I start talking to Truck and he never realized his chick was married.  It was funny.  OK, from here on events are NOT chronological.  When I get hammered I lose my timestamp ability.  I know.  I wonder if it’s just me.

I am downstairs by myself and I start talking to some pretty girl.  She grabs my hand.  Oh wait.  I met some black dude.  He plays basketball for a college around here.  He points to one of his girls and says she’s all yours.  She is digging me.  That’s how I met her.  They all go upstairs and take me with them.  They walk off and I’m kissing her and I’m on the dancefloor.  Then some jacked white dude comes up and puts his hand in my face and says Timeout!  I can smell the orbiter on him from a mile away.  I decide that I am not in the mood for a confrontation.

I go back downstairs and start talking to some girls.  I tell them I lost my only friend in town and ask them to be my new friends.  I talk to 3 pairs of girls in the same area around the same time.  I got the number from one of these girls.  I think she’s a blond.  It’s been 2 weeks and we are still texting.  Of course now I’m out of town and next week she is, but we’ll see what happens.  But I really have a fog about this little amount of time.  So let’s go to the next event, shall we?

I am back upstairs talking to my original married chick.  I meet her husband.  Dude is a bounty hunter as well as a bar back.  We talk for at least an hour.  Really cool dude.  So funny.  I don’t remember all the details.  I got his number but he didn’t reply to my text the next day.  Oh well.  At least I collected another job.

Hmm.  Eventually me and Truck leave the bar and run into the lair dudes again.  The dude drives us home which was super cool.  It’s all hazy.  Someone texted me this week saying they met me that night.  I am not sure who he is, but I guess I’ll find out when I’m back in town.

Overall it was a really fun night.  I love drinking and I love hanging with Truck.  Can’t wait to move in with him next month.  Two makeouts is a bit of funny, but nothing too crazy.  I’m crashing with my folks til the end of the month, when I move into my new apt.  I wanted to wait until after I get my first paycheck at my new job.  So logistics were brutal.

I spent 24 hours celebrating my 29th birthday with a host of my lovely friends.  I have to say that it was one hell of a crazy and hectic night…ok it lasted two nights. I started by hitting White Wedding.

At least 30 or 40 lovely people showed up just for me.  From TeaBag to YumYum.  It was really amazing.  I remember a lot of shots and cocktails.  I cut the sleeves off my tuxedo to show off my glamour muscles.

I put a new temp tattoo on my right bicep.  Lord of the Rings.  One ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.  Let’s be honest.  I looked badass redneck.Originally ghost was gonna cut off his sleeves too, but of course at the last minute he chickened out.  He’s a great housemate, but he just lacks the power to go full awesome.  I was chilling with some lovely people and then YumYum finally shows up.  And he has cut off his entire shirt.

Attention stealing bastard.

Everyone really looked great.  I met a ton of people and took a ton of pictures.   At one point I did a ten minute photo session upstairs.  Only one of the photos got posted to their site, but it looks awesome and it’s my new facebook profile photo.  Unfortunately, they ended the party at like 130.  And I think we all know that that is way too soon.  So Iceberg dropped a bunch of us off at Cable. I have never been to the club before, but the girl with us was worried that we wouldn’t get in with our outfits.

I gotta say that is was one filthy club and dropped the worst techno ever.  I swear I think they played only one record the entire five hours or something that we were there.  I met some girl at the bar with really cool boobs.  I must have chatted to her almost an hour.

Unfortunately, I was super drunk and she slipped through my fingers. I saw her again a few hours later, but wasn’t able to chat anymore.  I met some other girls through Ghosts “friend.”  They were calling me Hitch, so I knew I would have to yap about work.  In my experience talking about work with girls gets them excited, but also keeps my dick outside of their vaginas.  I was so hammered, but this still proved to be the case.  One of the girls was cute, but no dice.

Around 6 or something Ghost, YumYum and I decide to call it quits.  Ghost was ready to leave the moment we walked in anyways.  So we left his “lady-friend” and jumped in a taxi. I throw YumYum on the couch and hit the sack.

By noon he is crawling into my bed and trying to convince me to go to the Church.  This is a crazy Australian day club in north London.  Everyone wears costumes and drinks a ton of Fosters.  At first I was hating it.  Most of the girls weren’t that pretty and I hate drinking beer.  It’s just so much hard word to get twisted!  Even in my debauchery I like to be efficient.

At some point October and Machine joined us.  I chatted to Machine about the possibility of living together in Hawaii in a few months.  That would be super badass.  So we chat up some girls for a bit and eventually a girl pulls my shirt off.  At this point things start to get a bit hazy.  I found pictures of me kissing at least 5 different girls in my camera.  Which is a pretty good result. After Church closed we went to a Walkabout in west London.

That bastard YumYum kept buying vodka and redbull.  You should never have more than one of these in a single day.  For real. So we were partying and kept meeting new girls all over this joint.  I kissed two really pretty girls.  But I only know this from my camera.  Glad I brought it for once!  I lost Yums for at least an hour in there somewhere.

I remember I was outside talking to a really hot black girl and we just started making out.  Then Yums comes out and is really crying.  He can’t find either of his jackets and he’s cold. So I leave the girl behind to help him.

We look all over the club and after 30 minutes find his gear.  Right as the joint is closing.  For some reason I actually got this girls number, which I never do, and I started texting her.  I was taking care of Yums, who had been blacked out for hours and was making a scene in front of McDonalds.  I can only say that it was pretty special.

Finally, I am like dude you HAVE to let me try and get laid.  I walk off to find my girl.

Needless to say I get the most dramatic phone call of my life from him.  He is on about how I’ll never see him again and he’s going off to war and he loves and misses me.  It was insane. I find the girl and get a few kisses out of her.  She goes home with her friends though and I am left stranded hours from my apartment.

I have missed the last train based on false intel from YumYum! I end up waiting almost an hour for a bus to my house and of course some dude starts talking to me at the bus stop.  He gives me a flyer to LOOK AT and then takes it back.  I really wanted to throw it away and he stole that right from me!!!

I gotta say it’s impressive how people can start a conversation with someone on the street and end by asking for spare change.  My 2nd time in a week at a bus stop.   I’m sure you remember the guy last week who threatened to knife me and then asked for change.

People are pretty drawn to my awesome. I have a date with the black girl later today.  She might cancel as I just posted my facebook pics from the festivities….Or maybe she will be glad that she was the last girl I kissed on my bender.  Also, my tongue was super sore from a full day!

So last night I thought I had students, but they had to bump to next week at the last minute.  So I ended up going out to see Mr M for his final night with the Rockstars.  We were out with Bugsy Malone and Freedom of Speech as well.  They guys took me out to Chinawhite and got a table and everything.  It was really quality.

I got absolutely smashed and met some super hot girls.  There were two really stunning girls who were eyefucking me up all night.  In the end I chatted to each of them.  They were rejecting guys left and right but just loving me.  I was just feeling so electric.  It was just great to be out with the boys and going insane.  By the end of the night both girls told me I was amazing and that they had boyfriends.

Man that is the most boring speech ever.

Then somehow me and Freedom ran away from everyone at Subway and went to the Egg, where they said they didn’t like our clothes and wouldn’t let us in.  All I know is that when I’m in my 50s I don’t wanna be running the face-policy at the dirtiest hole in London.  So I still win.

At the  bus stop alone at 5am some drunk dude starts yelling at me and threatening to stab me in the face.  What is with old people tonight?  I just pretty much ignore the dude but he just keeps yelling.  And then asking for cigarettes or spare change.  Finally my bus pulls up and I just walk away from him.

As I get on the bus I tell one of the people who watched all this and chose not to get involved that it was all her fault.  Ahaha.

Made it home around 6 and I poured myself into bed.

I will try and get my hands on the photos from tonight as soon as I can.  Can’t wait til my big party next Saturday.  Debauchery here I come!!!