First Encounter

So I’m out with my bro in law, well it’s my sister’s boyfriend but it’s super long term, and we hit the bars on Friday night.  I’ll shorten my usual lengthy intro and get to it.  I am just hanging out with him and not working girls but of course I end up talking to a professional sports team cheerleader.  I don’t wanna say which team or too much because I know you sneaks will figure it out….

Her chubby glum roomate is super lame but she doesn’t stop us from talking and doesn’t even force my bro to talk to her.  She lets him sneak off to call my sister.  So I chat to this girl for like an hour or so and she seems awesome.  We start talking about Orbital.  Now if a girl knows about Orbital I instantly like her.  Of course if her body is tight as a drum as well…..I think you get the idea.  She is digging on me super hard so I get the digits.  I can’t just go home with her because I got my bro with me and I am not putting him in that awkward situation.  I know he would just sit in the living room talking to the chubster, but my sis would be wicked mad.  I don’t need family drama.

So me and him slip off.  When I get home she starts blowing up my phone.  I’m so bored.  I have nothing to do.  etc….  She just dumped her boyfriend of a year and a half earlier that day.  She doesn’t say too much but I get the feeling the relationship was tumultuous.  I get a little bit of a Lifetime movie vibe.

She is smoking hot, so I wanna creep on her so bad.  I’m too drunk to drive over to her place and it’s just too complicated a situation.  The next night I’m going out with some new dude from the local lair.  I’m not teaching so I just go out to raise hell.  I know I’m gonna get drunk so I take a taxi to the bar.  The whole way there my cheerleader is blowing me up.  Text text text.  She agrees to meet me at 1am for a date.  I think we all know what that means.

First Date

So I hang out with the dude for a couple of hours, but that’s a sidestory.  She has to go home and change after her part time job.  I’m like I am sure you look fine etc….  I hate waiting.  But it was worth it.  She is wearing the tightest black dress of all time.  You can see everything.  All the guys are scoping her when she walks in and she comes straight up to me.  I get that full LondonPaladin feeling.  Like hell ya I still got it!  You know?  21.  Smoking hot. Cheerleader.  Into me.  It’s allll good.

So we have a couple of beers.  She kinda lets me know that her last boyfriend was super possessive and it was a problem.  I’m like babe I’m the opposite.  A bunch of guys she knows walk up and it’s clear they are orbiters.  Instead of my usual move of Tanking them (from My Best Friends Girl – great movie) I just tell her that I gotta use the bathroom and that they seem like really nice guys.  I disappear for like 20 minutes.  Some gorilla tries to start a fight with me in the toilets but my complete disinterest overwhelms him and he walks off.

I come back and we chill a bit more and then she’s like I guess it’s time to go home.  She asks how I got to the bar.  I let her know I have no car and she offers to give me a ride back to mine.  Ten minutes later we are back at her place.  We end up chilling on her porch and drinking beers for three hours or something.

I never felt that sexual spark.  Usually I just know in my guts when it’s time to go for it.  And I just never felt it.  it’s weird.  I can tell she’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to her, but the physical is just all off.  At 4am or so she tells me it’s time to drive me home.  We are now in her bedroom and I tell her that I hate that moment when we get to my house and it’s awkward and I’m like do I kiss her or do I not kiss her etc.  She is like I just broke up with a long term bad relationship yesterday so I’m not ready to do anything.

I’m a nice guy at heart and by now I have the feeling that things between them were physical and not in the good way.  So I’m not gonna pressure a girl who’s this damaged.

We get back to mine and I start to get out of the car and she’s like what?  I don’t get ANYTHING?  So I go for the kiss immediately and we have a high school style kiss.

I already know at this point that all signs point to crazy and that I should never talk to her again.  You just get that feeling.  Obviously I now can’t resist her.

We have plans to hang out Sunday but she sends me the friends text.  She tells me she is too damaged and needs time away from boys.  Yay!

Warning Signs

So come Friday I’m out at the bar with JohnnyC69 getting my wasted on.  I am friends with a part time model/bartender and she was hooking it up.  I know we did at least 6 or 7 free shots.  So it all got hazy.  At some point she came to meet up with us and I try to ditch Johnny.  Because I am an asshole.

But he comes back and joins us for a few minutes.  I’m hammered so my first thought is “this son of a bitch is creeping on my new toy” but really he was bored of the other girls around us.  He talks to us for ten minutes and he is like dude that girl has the lowest self esteem of all time.  You need to get out of here.  Stay away from her.  My attraction skyrockets because crazy girls know how to bring the noise in bed.

I’m so hammered that I then lose her talking to her friends.  Two underage girls start creeping on me because they think I’m with her.  It’s great.  All I remember is that she left without me and when I realize it and call her she’s gone home. I take a taxi home and consider my epic drinking problem.

Shutter Island

Saturday night at 1am.  8Days since first contact.

She calls me and says she’s bored and wants to see me.  She says all of her friends are out of town and she is lonely.  I am sitting in my room programming so what do you think I would rather do.  Some times I just think with my little brain.

I can’t really describe the course of events after I arrived.  Time lost all meaning in the vortex of insanity so I can only offer you some highlights.  And I promise you that this is at most 30% of the crazy shit she said.  It’s been two weeks and I am really trying to block it all out.

She opens her mail and finds a huge bill from the hospital.  She tears it up and says ‘let’s see those fuckers try and get me to pay when I’m dead.”

She tells me how she met a guy in the hospital with a big red mark on his neck.  He tried to hang himself.

She decided not to date him because “You shouldn’t date people you meet in the asylum.”

That’s right all you HATERS.  I found a girl who was actually in the mental hospital.  So don’t ever tell me you met a crazy girl until you meet a girl who got locked up for it!

She starts saying how she is texting with her ex again.  I instantly know she will get back together.

He is a really good guy.  He just gets super jealous because he is really insecure and doesn’t realize what a great guy he is.

He is almost 30 and basically unemployed but he’s just finding himself.

She isn’t allowed to go out or be near any other guys because he gets really jealous.  He cheated on his last girlfriend a LOT so he knows that it’s easy to cheat.

When he goes out with his friends he turns off his phone and he yells at her.  He needs his own space and privacy.  I point out at this point that he is 100% cheating on her and she explains that no – she is too hot to be cheated on.

She concludes this story by saying that yes he hit her.  But only once.  And it was really her fault for starting it.  And he will never do it again.

At this point she goes from calling him her x to calling him her boyfriend.  That’s right.  That set of stories made her want to get back with him.

She went on about how he’s her first true love and she’s willing to work really hard and just wishes he would work really hard too.  She also mentions that she loves to watch Lifetime movies.  I laugh and tell her she’s living one.

Then things started getting really crazy.

It’s all such a blur I wish I had recorded it.

I finally wanted to leave because I was just so bored after an hour of this.  She blocked the window with her leg.  Yes.  You go in and out through the window.  And is like you can’t leave me right now.  She intimates that she might kill herself if I leave.

I am really turned on be emotional blackmail.

But don’t worry.  It’s all getting better.

She starts telling me about the girl’s she is friends with that I should meet.  Like the one who had a baby last month but put it up for adoption.  Or the girl she got kicked out of high school with.

The whole time I am texting JohnnyC69 telling him what to tell the cops when they find my body in the woods.

The highlight of the evening was at dawn.  I am still trying to leave.  So she fakes appendicitis.

I am not even joking her.  She starts screaming and telling me she has unbelievable pain in her side.  Now I’m freaked out that if I leave she might die.  I do not want that conversation with the cops.  Especially with my fingerprints on the window and shit.

So I keep googling medical stuff on my phone and telling her that it might be an STD.  Some of them have the side effect of insanity.  she says this isn’t possible.  Finally the pain just goes away after 2 hours.  The longest 2 hours of my life.  And I got trapped inside a rollercoaster in Japan.   By myself.  This was worse.

She tells me that she can’t wait to hang out again.  I tell her that I will never see her again.  As I’m leaving I do try to get one last kiss.  I mean come on.  I am still a little bit of a creep.  She explains that our first kiss is the only time she’s ever cheated on her boyfriend and doesn’t want to do it again.  She asks if we can just be friends.

Um.  I don’t need friends that I fear will cut me in my sleep.  But thanks.

What I did wrong

First of all.  Her attraction was diminishing by the moment after our first encounter.  The sexual spark was there that first night and each time after that was less and less.  Why you ask?  Because this girl is bat shit crazy and wants to get back with her ex because he treats her bad.  Which is her fetish.

I needed to go home with her that first night and have that rebound sex and then never talk to her again.

I also ignored all the warning signs.  I actually screen for crazy pretty hard when I meet girls.  Then I ignore my warnings.

That first night at her house I could feel it happening.  I was thinking too much comfort + not enough physical = let’s be best friends!

Now the reason the physical is off is because she is attracted to abusive relationships.  This means that all of her physical signs and signals are off.  I don’t speak that language so I don’t know how to turn her on.  That’s why we ended up with me becoming like an orbiter.

I kept going back after I knew she was crazy.  I basically live for the adventure.  I went over to her house because I knew it would be a great blog post.

Final Thoughts

It’s just not worth it.  I have access to lots of beautiful women.  I need to avoid this type of girl.

Also, I cut out HUGE portions of her terrifying stories.  I didn’t even tell you anything about her mom or her several crazy dads.  So when you see me in person, feel free to ask!

I never really write about dates anymore unless something amazing happens.  Today it did.

I met a really cute, really skinny brunette last Saturday night.  She's such a social butterfly that I had trouble getting a date with.  She lives like an hour away in the nearest college town.  We were texting here and there.  I was making sure she sent the last text of each conversation.  So Saturday morning I'm texting her and I let her know I have a new fishing pole.  Bam she agrees to a Monday morning fishing date.  It's important to know that I have been fishing once in the last ten years and I didn't catch anything.

So I have to crawl outa bed this morning at 7.  When the alarm went off I was like WTF?  Then I remembered and I slowly got into motion.  I show up at her house at 9 instead of 8.  When I call her I wake her up and she is in my car within 5 minutes and actually looking cute with so little prep. We head out looking for this little map that I found on google maps.

I got the top down and the sun is shining.  It was really nice out today.  It turns out the lake is more like a large swimming pool and it's surrounded by houses.  It's all private property.  We find this one spot where there is a big chain in front of a park with a no trespassing sign.  We park right in front of it and ask this dude who is mowing his lawn for permission to hang out there.  He tells us that it's his neighbor who put up the signs and that really he's trying to stop people who drive down right to the lake edge and tear up the grass.

So we go down and she totally wants to fish.  So I tie a hook on the line.  She is impressed with my knot and now thinks I'm a natural woodsman.  Don't worry that thought doesn't last long.  I strung the reel wrong and I have to cut off the hook and start over.  Eventually I get this little neon orange hook on the line and she starts casting.  I'm just chilling and chatting

I don't exactly go on a lot of morning dates.  But I never go fishing either.  I like the chilling part more than the catching a fish part.  To be honest I'm glad we picked this spot.  The water is like 4 inches deep and there are probably no fish in this "lake."

She keeps catching the hook on twigs and stuff so we move further down the shore til we are right in front of the dude's house.  It's the guy that put up the signs.  There are like 10 no fishing, no swimming, no NOTHING signs all over the place.  We are just chilling with no possibility of catching a fish.  She just keeps catching algae and shit.

Then she's like dude I got something.  I look and the line is swimming around.  I'm like wtf?  She starts slowly reeling it in.

She fucking caught an 8 pound bass.  In the shallowest water of all time. 

All I am thinking is that I do NOT want to touch that fucking thing.  She brings it in.  And I have to get into the mud to take some pictures and then to try and get the hook out of the bastard.  It's as big as a damn cat.  Every time I grab the hook to try and get it out the fish bucks.  It's totally freaking me out.

I try 3 or 4 times and then I'm like babe you're more country than me.  Get the hook outa that fish.  She tries about twice and finally we are wondering how long we have til this fish dies?…

In the end we cut the line with this giant neon orange hook in the fishes mouth.  I'm like sorry dude but if you don't hold still you just gotta look like an outlaw for life.  The girl has a piercing in the same spot so she kinda likes it.  So if you see a giant bass with a big orange hook and like 4 feet of line trailing from it, you know the two master fishermen that did that.

As far as the date went.  I didn't creep too hard.  I think she's pretty cool but she gets hit on by REALLY creepy guys like 10 times a week.  If a girl is attracting super creepy guys I might not want to get drawn into that vortex.  Plus her friend is super cute and I've started creeping on her too.  We had a really cool time and I've definitely expanded my social circle in a good direction. 

So after she snuck out while I was asleep, I was uncertain about seeing the Czech girl again.  I wasn’t even sure if I would ever hear from her again.  So I threw her a text to see if she was ok, made it home etc.  She texted back that she hadn’t wanted to wake me while I was sleeping.  I told her that was really sweet and I left it there.  I think we all know why she didn’t wake me up.  It was a damn prison break.

So I texted her again a day later here and there and I set up a date for monday night after a short 1on1 with a student.  We met at 9 and had a single drink in a bar.  We chilled and it was nice.  Unfortunately, I finally run into the Italian girl I saw a few weeks ago when I’m with this girl.  The Italian girl is so beautiful and I can see the jealousy in her eyes.  I don’t know if that set is dead, but I am trying to avoid gaming one girl while on a date with another.  I mean a guy has to have SOME limits don’t he?

So after an hour we just start walking.  She can tell where we are going.  I am like we are just gonna chill a little at my place.  We get straight into bed and I put her into another one of my shirts.  Unfortunately, the hilarious game shirt from Starlight that I had her wear on Friday was still in the wash.  So she was wearing a shirt that I actually like and wear a lot.  We just snuggle a lot and I keep trying to escalate.  It was like the battle of Stalingrad.  A war of attrition.

It took hours to break down her defences.  She has the most arbitrary set of rules I have even encountered.  She won’t let me get under her shirt or jeans all night.  After about 6 hours I get her hot enough that she lets me party in boob town.  Usually with a girl once I’m there is it on like Donkey Kong.  But not with her.  We are making out so hot and heavy.  I decide to drop a CaliPimp move and put my finger in her mouth.  She destroys it.  I am like I gotta get my dick involved in this action.  But she is having none of it.  She won’t touch my cock at all.  Not even with her hand.

She will let me rub her crotch over her jeans, but only if we are dry humping.  If I am lying next to hear I am not allowed to touch it.  It is so strange to try and decode this girl.  I mean she has her legs wrapped around me and it is sex with a little denim in between us.  By the end I am totally naked, even though she still has her jeans on.  We dry hump like crazy and eventually I kneel over her and blow my load on her belly, but most of it gets into her belt buckle.  I wasn’t really focusing.  I probably could have come on her face, but that’s really not a big fetish for me.

Finally, I crash out and she leaves in the morning.  This time I am awake when she leaves.

I found out in the middle of the night that she has a boyfriend back home.  The source of all her resistance.  She asks how I would feel if I found out she has a boyfriend in her village and I told her I wouldn’t care.  I really don’t.  I don’t have time to be jealous or whatever.  And I certainly don’t think less of her.  Of course she wants to hook up with me.  I’m awesome sauce.

We have been on another date since, but she is staying with a host family so can’t sleep over a lot.  Mystel really likes her.  She loves his magic and she thinks she is hot and cool.  He actually warned me not to break her heart.  She sent me a text last night to let me know how special she feels with me.  Tonight is our last date before she leaves the country.  Will let you know….

It took 2 weeks of high angle text game to get a date out of the Author.  She has amazing blue eyes that pierce right through me.  I made some serious tactical mistakes in setting up the date, that will reveal themselves throughout the story.  I finally got the date when she said to meet up on Friday.  Of course Friday morning I read my man Tenmagnet’s post on Dating Amushes. This is one of the best articles on dating and date mistakes I’ve read in AGES.  I should not have let her set the date for Friday night.  It messed up my chance to meet and chill with the legend, Zan.

So we meet up at 7pm on a Friday night.  She looks amazing, except for she is rocking a mustache.  This is my personal pet peeve for women.  I have have really been paying attention since this date and a LOT of women are rocking cookie dusters.  I try to ignore these things, but damn hers was pretty much a Tom Selleck situation.

To be honest I was able to put it aside and plow through the date.  I don’t really have the strength to go through moment by moment of what happened.  Basically she spent the whole night picking at my frame.  I am used to major frame assault and tests.  Waht I am not used to is this tactic.  For example, when we went into the 2nd bar of the night I didn’t offer to pay for her drink.  I just don’t roll like that.  The girl has a high paying mayfair job and can support herself.  I don’t pay for a girl as it sets the wrong frame.  I don’t mind doing rounds like normal people.

She is like I guess you’ve never dated a French or Italian girl have you???  I was like what?  I have definately made out with both kinds. Hehe.  Anyways I was pushed onto my back foot.  All night she dropped hints about how she likes to date good-looking French snowboard instructors.  Actually, even writing this story is starting to depress me, but it’s educational so listen up!  So she kept pushing about how it’s classy to pay for a girl etc.  After her badgering I was like it’s 2 pounds to shut this girls mouth.  We need to focus here.  On a first date she was henpecking me.  I was doing something I didn’t want to to avoid a confrontation.  I should have stopped the date right here.  It’s a clear sign that she is a horrible girlfriend.  This tactic will only get worse.

Now I have already mentioned that she brought up her good looking ex-boyfriends about 8 times.  I never talk about exes on a date.  It’s a weird way of trying to demonstrate preselection.  I don’t need to do this.  I have an awesome life.  I can ignore a girl making comments about other guy’s being good looking a couple of times with no affect.  But she did it enough that it put another crack into my frame.  This girl was insidious.

Third, I told her I didn’t want to talk about work.  I really hate spending an entire date talking about my coaching etc.  I told her that I’m a writer and a life-coach.  I just didn’t want to spend three hours talking about pickup coaching.  For me it just makes a date boring.  So I changed the subject 30 times and told her again I don’t want to talk about work.  She would keep shifting the subject back to my work by asking a new question.  She just basically interrogated me constantly.  And when I would ask her a comfort-building question she said are you gonna ask me questions all night?  When she made this comment it would poke against my frame again.

Now individually I can handle each of these attacks. I have strengthened my inner game a LOT over the past 20 months.  Now I wasn’t ready for this type of frame war.  She came in softly, softly.  I didn’t realize any of this until I spent the rest of the night analyzing why I was depressed after my date.  I normally am happy after a date.  I love spending time with pretty girls.

Now if there is one thing I hate on a date more than anything, it is awkward conversation over a huge ass dinner table in a brightly lit restaurant. Guess what.  She needled me into that situation.  She forced us into having a bad date and then when it was bad blamed me for it.  She wouldn’t even kiss me and left at 10 to go to bed early.  I was never gonna text her or think about her again but she wrote me a huge text 2 days later.

So I waited a few days and decided to let her know that we are on two different pages.  Her text back was a frame assault on long the lines of “Of course we aren’t on the same page…”  This girl was a master of frame control.  In a way I respect her ability.  It’s just too bad that she uses it for evil.

So please take a lesson from my horrible date.  She boiled me slowly like a Frog.  Just took my frame 1% at a time.  The night before our date, I thought about canceling when she mentioned work early on Sat.  From now on I will cancel if I sense any trouble!

BTW drunk texting is so 2000 and LATE!  High texting is where it is AT!!!

I went out for my 3rd date with the German photographer on Friday.  Now logistics kept us from sleeping together on the first two dates, but 3 is as far as I’ll go with a girl without some sweet loving.  We planned our Friday date almost 2 weeks in advance.  This girl is always so busy with art projects and school.

Thursday night she texts to say that she has to go home at 11.  I’m like why are you changing the plan the day before.  I consider cutting her loose for being so lame.  She is complaining about the last train etc.  I tell her she can just crash at mine as my house mate’s away and she starts freaking out.  There are tons of signs that I should have cancelled the date I know….

After a text argument, kind of, we just stick with the original plan.  She was talking about going out another night or something.  I mean it was all just so lame.  So we meet at like 6 or something on Friday.  I’m thirty minutes late and I just don’t care.  I guess it’s good because I wanted to start showing up to things late this year to see if I could do it.  She’s already drunk so I have a shot and a drink with her.  We are chatting and it’s ok.  She just talks about work and how stressed she is constantly.

I am kinda tired from the lesbian sleep over, so I don’t steer the conversation away from her boringass topics as much as I should. After a while she wants to grab dinner somewhere.  I never do dinner dates.  I also never do Friday dates.  Whoops.  We start looking for a Japanese place.  I’m thinking traditional Japanese place, where we can snuggle into a corner.  She drags us into a place that is exactly like wagamama.  I tell her it’s a terrible date restaurant.  She ignores me and says she wants to eat there. I don’t care enough to resist.

I wish I could say that I was bringing my A game, but I was barely there.  I was thinking about how she just isn’t pretty enough for me and I can’t believe she keeps rocking similar outfits when we go out.  She has these giant red feather earings she keeps wearing.  They are so attention grabbing that she shouldn’t wear them on all our dates.  I mean change clothes.  I am drifting through our date, kinda wanting to have some sex but not willing to work for it on any level.

All during dinner she is yapping about work and I keep trying to cut the thread but she is like a cat with a ball of yarn.  She keeps wanting to talk about boring and stressful things.  This is really sexy for a girl to do, let me tell you.  At one point she says  she knows she should be having a good time, but she is stressed and can’t take her mind off what she has to do Saturday morning.  I’m like baby, you are at dinner with a really cool, good looking guy.  Why don’t you focus on that and have a good time?  She says she’ll try but in our hearts we both know she’s lying.

After dinner we both go to the bathroom.  Separately you perverts.  I think about just leaving.  I’m so bored.  When she comes out front she starts trying to give me the brush off.  It takes 5 minutes for me to realize she wants to end the date.  She is talking about a lack of vibe or something.  I thought about giving her a debrief on how she ruined out date and is too dumb to realize it.  I wanted to tell her that our date sucked because she never stopped complaining about work, took us to a bad restaraunt and was poorly dressed and also she had established a curfew up front to put more pressure on us.  But I didn’t say anything.  All I thought was, I don’t feel anything.  I am becoming an emotional terminator.

So five minutes later I met up with my lesbian gang around the corner and then I was chilling with a really tall beautiful swiss girl. It was a nice night, but I was too tired to release the energy necessary to capture her.  So I went home early.

I am not sure how much I’ve talked about the girl’s I’m dating, so I’ll start at the top.  I am currently seeing a German girl (kind of).  We have been on two dates with lots of kissing.  Logistics have kept us from sleeping together yet, although I have gotten laid 2 out of the 3 times I have seen her.  She might just be lucky?

I met her at Kensington Roof Gardens a month or so ago.  I was out with gsand.  This was the night of the midget and the dry sex.  I am sure you remember that one.  When I thought I had whiskey dick?  Anyways, she was one of the club photographers and when my mate asked to borrow her camera to take pics, she let him.  I thought this showed that she was super cool.  We chatted 30 mins and in true Paladin style, I got the magical digits.

We texted on and off and kept almost meeting for the next few days.  Originally, we had a date for the next night, but she was too tired from work and cancelled.  Sunday we texted back and forth and I ended up in an orgy of drugs and confusion with YumYum and Iceberg.  Tuesday night, I get a text asking if I’m near central.  Unfortunately, I was at home in only my underwear with Ghost playing new tracks we bought (I bought) for Rock Band on our Xbox 360.

So I tell her I can meet her in 30.  I rush into clothes and a hair do that works.  And I’m out the door, while that bastard Ghost is rocking out on my new badass songs.  I think I’m gonna be late, but I still beat her by five minutes.  Girls have some sixth sense for always being later than me.  I don’t know how they do that….  We meet up and she looks really cute.  Since I was hammered when we met, this is a pleasant surprise.

We bounce through 2 pubs and hit a jazz bar.  I’m all about multiple location dates.  The more bars the better!  She is actually badass.  We talk about all the messed up things I’ve done in my life.  I have no idea why.  But she asked like the right questions.  About my brand and about some of my scars etc.  We finally kiss on some dark street with nobody around.  My pulse was about 200.  She thought that it’s cute that a former gangster can get all nervous with her.

The I went with her to a club where she was working.  I basically had to spend an hour on my own while she snapped photos.  It was kinda boring so I got hammered.  Some really funny things happened to me in the bathroom.  Such is my life.  There is always some incident waiting to happen.   But that is a tale for another day.  Finally, she finished her work and we slipped outa there.  She had to get up early for work the next day, so I was unable to her her to my house.  Damn the fates!

We texted and had a date the next week, but she managed to end up in jail! (It really turned me on when she told me this…) so I had to wait 2 weeks for our 2nd date.  We did the same thing again.  A few bars and some kissing before she went to work.  This time I snuck off to meet up with my lesbian gang for an hour.  I am back shortly after midnight and she has already ditched work early to go home.  Which was strange because I watched Beyonce walk into the club right then.  Some idiot started yelling at one of her body guards.  I thought that was hilarious.  I could see which way that fight was gonna go…. international vip bodyguard v chav from east london.  Even his friends were hanging back.  The best part was how the guy said “innit” at least 20 times.  Ali G had it right.

So I text my German girl and find out she went home and thought I’d ditched her.  I was like you should have at least called babe.  So she felt double bad for leaving me and for missing Beyonce.  It was all a shenanigan.  So I headed back to the lesbian party where I got laid POW.  Who knew?

That was last night, so you are pretty caught up.  I still haven’t shagged her, so really it’s not too emotional yet.  Although she is turned on by my bad boy past and I think her jail time is sexy.  Plus she has an adventurous streak.  I wanna see more of…

First Contact

I met this girl almost two months ago at a big NLP seminar. The talk was about the economy and basically said that the solution to the crisis is to think positive thoughts. Not exactly helpful if you’ve been canned, but fine if you haven’t. I saw a really cute girl there working the bookshop and it took me AGES to get up the courage to talk to her. Jamie saw me checking her out and was like dude go for it. So I roll up and drop some of my favorite hilarious jokes to warm her up. The other woman working there keeps joining the conversation, but I just control the conversation as much as I can. Suddenly, the talk is starting so our chat gets put on pause.

Afterwards there is a huge damn crowd jostling to buy books, so I just have to bide my time. I spent the whole talk taking sureptitios looks at this girl. Finally, she is sitting down alone to eat. I walk over and chat some more to see if she’s really nice and cool and interesting. She is all three so I ask for her number. I say let’s get a drink sometime. She is hesitant. I tell her that she can just give me her number and I’ll text her later and she can think about if I’m cute enough etc to reply. She agrees and I text her a few hours later.

The Waiting

She is out of town for six weeks and working on moving to London. We text back and forth several times a week. I was surprised I even heard from her after her hesitancy about giving me her number. It’s hard to maintain anything by text for so long. Normally I fall apart, but with her I just stuck to normal texts about what I’m up to and updates on her move to London. She even texted me a pic once, which my bastard phone did not receive. When she is finally in the city at her new job I set up a date. I was able to not seem needy or creepy because at this point in my life, I am finally neither.

The First Date

We meet up at my usual place. Outside liverpool street station. She is a few minutes late as she came straight from work. I haven’t seen her in 6 weeks, so I am trying to remember what she looks like. I get a text saying she is there, but no answer when I call. I see a pretty blonde talking on the phone and my first thought is, ‘that can’t be her, she’s too pretty.’ It’s kind of funny in retrospect. I later told her this thought during our date. I seem to take every girl and every student on the same path. Basically around to my favorite bars. Actually, we stopped at the bar before my usual, as it is finally open for summer. We grabbed a couple of glasses of wine and just started chatting. It was really nice. She brings up that she has just read the game and how she would love to see those guys in action. I tell her that Herbal crashed at my house the previous weekend and she was dutifully impressed. I am pretty open about my work etc. We talk about how we both like to get major drunk. How it sucks she has to work the next morning etc. As it gets cooler out, we move inside the bar to sit on the couch and chat more. She gets the second round, which I really think is great. I just feel comfortable and normal around her. I am able to act like I don’t need anything from her, which is a place I have been trying to get to for a long time. At one point she goes to the bathroom and is gone for like 15 minutes. I think she has escaped. Ha! Just my luck. It was just a phone call from a potential house mate. She begs off hitting another bar as she has to travel an hour to the place she is staying and has to get up at 630 in the morning. That is WAY to early if you ask me. On the walk home I go for the kiss but she pulls back. She says she doesn’t kiss til the 3rd date. Grrrr. Doesn’t she know who I am! People on the internet look up to m! I walk her to her train and catch mine home. I wonder if she didn’t kiss me because she hates me or because she thinks I’m boyfriend material. EDIT 1 – I didn’t get a reply to either of my texts to her all weekend, so I just assumed it was over. I wasn’t even that upset. At least I don’t get emotionally attached to people I haven’t even kissed. EDIT 2 – She left her phone somewhere and started texting me on Tuesday. We are going out for our 2nd date next Tuesday. Yay!

So I should have written this last week and I'm sorry.  I went out with the 10 that I met a year ago and talked about in Serendipity. 

It was a hectic night and I thought she might flake.  She texted a few times to confirm, but then Friday night she texted to say that she was at work really late and tired.  I ha to run around, so I wasn't too focused.  I was chilling with RichMuscles at Punk, where he was hosting a table.  But I got a call from Mr M.  He was down the street with an author who is going to be writing about Project Rockstar and wanted to meet me.  I scramble up the street to meet him and chat for about 20 minutes when my man Vercetti rolls up.  So good to see him again.  We chat and this author dude was pretty cool.  He totally knew who I was.  Respect.

I get a text from the Polish girl.  She wants to know if the music will be good at the club and I promise that it will be.  She says she will meet me in ten minutes and she's brought a friend.  Now it is time for me to go on a little rant about women here.  No girl EVER brings a hot friend.  And certainly no girl has EVER brought a friend hotter than her.  This girl rocked up with no exception.  She rolled up with a little troll.  I bring RichMuscles who is taller than me, super jacked, nice and has good fashion.  I bring steak and she brings a dog.  I thought he was gonna kill me.  Haha.

She looks really sexy at least, although she has cut her hair, which doesn't look as great.  Her first comment is that I have had a haircut.  Holy crap, I met her when I was rocking my long hair and chin grass.  I forgot about that look.  I really loved having long hair, too bad nobody else agreed with me.  But what do they know, I'm a genius.  We sit down at the table and she cracks out the camera to take some photos.  I got no problem with this.  It's a shame that she is wearing white jeans and a white t shirt.  She is the kinda girl that should only wear dresses.

We chill at this party for a while, when I get some text love from Kboy and Mr M.  They are hitting CooCoo club and I'm invited.  It's not the kinda joint I go to normally, so I am intruiged.  Plus I like Kboy a lot and Dr Yen is coming.  I don't really like Punk that much and I wanna make this girl hit as many spots with me as possible.  She is smoking hot and I want the guys to see her with me.  She doesn't drink and that really turned me off.  I am a 3rd generation drinker.  I mean my problem isn't serious yet, but I like to party.  It's who I am.

I basically ignore her a lot.  I wanna get wasted with my mates and really enjoy the experience.  There were shots and champagne bottles everywhere.  I met a ton of cool dudes and lost track of my girl.  Her friend was really into Kboy.  I thought he was going to kill me when I asked him to jump on the grenade.  He apologized the next day, but by then it was too late.  I met a TON of girls in the smoking section, but I was so wasted that it all flows together.  But I can promise you I was suave and hilarious.

At one point I get Mr M to try and distract the Troll.  But she is relentless.  Everytime I try and get 5 minutes alone with my bird she gets in between us.  I hate girls like that.  It's not my fault you're not pretty.  I mean she was chubby and rocking a mustache.  Those are things she could fix.  And bump her from a 4 to a 5 quite easily.

I am having such a badass time with my friends that I don't even notice the girls leaving at 3 or something.  My bird texts to say that they both had a great time and I hate her for using the plural.  From now on I will tell girls that they aren't allowed to torture my friends with their hideous goblins.  I mean seriously.

Oh ya.  I forgot that I had announced that I released a dating book on facebook the week before.  She was asking all about it and I think that messed me up.  Like it was just awkward between us.  Dunno if that was the main cause but it happened so I'm telling you.  Some girls get weird when they find out what I do.  Like they want to be the one to break Hitch's heart.  The jokes on them.  I think Tucker Max turned my heart black a long time ago!

PS I have a picture of us where we both look super hot.  I almost posted it, but I'm not quite at that place yet.  Sorry suckas!

Today I was feeling a little down.  The bank is taking ages with my student loan check and it's messing up my finances you know?  So I was on the phone with the whole bank.  It's been three weeks and they said it could be another five.  Had to talk to my dad on the phone.  Anyways, it will sort out.  Then I was talking to one of my friends from Austria and it reminded me of how they made me paranoid about my body.  And then a girl pops online. 

I met a smoking hot girl with Stickler a full year ago.  It was the first time I met Sheriff and I remember every detail of the set.  The girl was insanely beautiful and we were working her and her friend.  Then her boyfriend came back. I just ignored her and talked to him.  We even got some pics of all three of us.  I got her facebook and emailed her.  She is one of the hottest girls I've met in the last year. 

She replied to that initial email just last week.  I was so surprised.  What's amazing is the detail with which I can remember meeting her.  Tells you about the impression she made.  Polish.  Insanely beautiful.  I still remember where she works.  I never remember that!

So we are chatting on im tonight and I am trying to play it cool. She brings up "so when are we gonna go out"…Actually I could copy and paste the whole conversation, but I think it would be boring.  Long story short we are going out Friday.  I'm feeling pretty good again.

I just hope that she doesn't flake or this will become an embarassing post.  Haha.

A few weeks ago I started chatting to a new girl I met on facebook.  She liked my pic and I liked hers.  We chatted a bit and moved on to texting.  I got her to send me a few cute pics on my phone and we tried to arrange a date.  Logistics kept us apart and I went to Mexico.  She was going to come to London this Sunday to hit the markets near my house and of course I’m into that!  Then on Thursday she has a massive asthma attack and spends the day in hospital.  She is too weak to risk the hour drive from her small town to the city and there is work on the train lines, making the trip into the city almost 3 hours.

I had a choice.  I could let her cancel the date and not see her for two more weeks or I could do something I don’t normally do.  I am really trying to do things that I don’t normally do.  So I decided to jump on a train and a bus and visit her.  I was able to write a chapter for my new book on the journey

I get to the station and I jump in her car.  We decide to have a picnic in the park so we grab some food from a supermarket and go there.  We don’t have a blanket to lie on, just a jumper.  The park is pretty empty, but not nearly empty enough.  We have a conversation and end up talking a little bit about my work etc.

I pretty much end up telling every girl what I do.  I tell her about how I’m trying to be super duper honest.  She asks a good question.  How can she actually know I’m really honest.  I suggest she ask an innappropriate question.  I anwer honestly.  Hehe.  After a while I just feel like we’re not connecting.  I just feel a distance between us.

A part of me just wanted to go home.  But another part remembered that sometimes you just can’t tell if a girl likes you.  Some girls give nothing away.  I keep trying to escalate both verbally and physically but she is just shrugging me off.  She’s pretty ill and wheezing a bit.  She goes to the bathroom at one point and takes a her purse with her.  I partly thought she wouldn’t come back.

We decide to hit a pub for one drink even though she can’t drink because of her medicine and driving.  It is warmer in there and I’m really just mellow now.  She becomes super animated and really funny.  It’s strange but the heat seemed to release her personality.  It was hard to keep in mind that she was super sick.  After we finish our drinks I’m just so tired and hoping to meet a good mate for dinner in the city.

On the walk to her car I grab her and carry her a little.  She is taller than me and dense.  My spine nearly telescopes.  But she is letting me do it and we’re building up some touch.  She drives me to the station and is about to drop me off out front when I’m like no way.  Pull up a little I’m shy!  So then she pulls deep into the back parking lot.  Cool.  Suddenly there is that huge end of the date awkwardness filling the car.  I can barely breathe.  I try to lock laser eyes and she avoids.

Finally, I give up.  Like a coward.  I finally give up and offer her my cheek.  She is like what the hell are you doing?  I’m like not even a cheek kiss?  Suddenly, I man up.  I grab her by the back of her hair and pull her in.  She tries to push her cheek at me.  I say I don’t think so and spin her mouth to mine.  We make out for a bit and she escalates to tongues.  I like letting that happen so the girl has some responsibility for our escalation.  I almost make her take me back to hers but I don’t quite feel like it’s on.  Plus she is so ill and wheezy that I am afraid sex will kill her.

We have texted a few times since and I think I’ll see her next week.