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So I hit the Comedy Store in London last Friday. I will tell you up front that the situation almost got Tucker Max and I had to make a decision, but let’s start this story at the beginning.
I was planning on hitting a rave with my man Iceberg and hopefully my boy YumYum, when I get a phone call from my house mate. He is wasted and wants some company out there. I already have dinner plans in less than an hour with 3 of my mates right next to my house. My house mate asks me to try and be drunk by the time he gets home. I have 20 minutes.
Challenge accepted.
I crack open the home made schnapps that my Austrian ladies brought me as a gift last month and get to it. I throw a double shot into a coffee glass from Tunisia. It is like being kicked in the throat and then the chest by a mule. I am sweating within about 1 minute, so I chase it with another shot. Holy crap this shit could raise the dead in an avalanche. I can see it serving no other purpose, expect possible degreasing airplane engines. My house mate, Ghost, shows up and he’s hammered. He is impressed that I’m already on the same page.
We grab two bottles of wine and hit the curry joint next door. I can’t remember much of dinner, I just focused on maintaining my buzz. It was cool I’m sure.
Then we head out to the Comedy Store where some chick from Ghost’s office is hitting the stage. This other chick from his office offered to buy me a ticket as long as I promised to pay her back. I think we both know that never happened. Hehe. So another buddy comes with us from dinner and the two of us are necking shots of sambuca. I wish I could say Ghost was keeping up with us, but for some reason around me he drinks like such a pussy. Sigh.
So me and my other buddy are pushing the envelope and getting hammered. He planned on just hitting a few bars with us on the way to the comedy club and then meeting us after. I mean a comedy club on a Friday night? Normally I wouldn’t do such a thing, but it is on my list for the year and Ghost was going and so was his secret girlfriend. So I had a good chance to torture her too.
Right in the door I meet the lady who is doing her comedy show. Now I didn’t realize I would have to sit through four other assholes before it would be her turn. That kinda sucks. I just wanted to be in there for thirty minutes. The place looks like a fucking ghost town and as soon as the MC guy starts I can tell why. I mean holy crap maybe I should be a comic. They will let anything onto that damn stage. But I digress…
I sit in between the girl who bought my ticket and my house mates girlfriend. Now nobody from the office knows they are together and they are both terrified that my drunken ass will drop their secret. And a huge part of me wants to, but I’m waiting for the right moment. I pretend to be hitting on this girl hard as hell and I just torture the shit out of her. I tell other people from the offic that I’ve banged her. I figure this is the perfect cover for her. Hey what can I say, I’m a humanitarian.
She is in hell and I’m loving it. Ghost disappears for like an hour and later I go sit with him and my other mate for a bit. But not before secretly feeling up the other girl from the office. Her “boyfriend” is on the far side of her and clutching her knee, terrified of me. So I go German submarine style under my thigh and under hers, and boom. Like the Red October I get some snatch time. I am not that into this chick, but she has a tongue ring, she works with Ghost AND she has her boyfriend right there. If you know me, you know that I love forbidden fruit. So I grab a fistful.
The shitty comedy drags on longer than a root canal and at some point the loser mc is up there bitching about his dog. I wanted to rip off his head and shit down his neck. No one likes dog jokes. No one. I don’t care how cute you think your dog looks running around the park or what you imagine he’s thinking. Some other dude starts heckling, but he is so wasted his words dont make sense. Security come and threaten him. Everyone with me wants to heckle the dude and I’m like it’s boring. I don’t heckle people. The guy is a serious loser, but I just don’t have the heart. So we are chatting and ignoring this guys atrocious humor when a gorrilla grabs my shoulder and tells me to be quiet.
I have a moment of reflection and realize I have two choices. I can let it slide or I can go Tucker Max and get thrown out of a shithole comedy club. Unfortunately, I decide not to get Ghost into more trouble and I relax. I mean what kinda shit club bans talking? It kinda makes sense, since they don’t have good enough comedians to keep me laughing.
Anyways, I will probably never go to that hole again. There were a few cute girls there on dates. One couple was even on their first date. But I feel that if you are on a date at a comedy club at midnight on a Friday in London, you are probably one serious loser. I mean there were more empty seats than filled and they didn’t even have shot glasses!
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